


Obsession

by awarrington



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (2009)
Genre: First Time, M/M, Mission Fic, Parallel Universes, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-06
Updated: 2012-05-06
Packaged: 2017-11-04 23:10:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/399241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awarrington/pseuds/awarrington
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the moment Kirk sets eyes on Spock, he wants him, but Spock isn't free or interested.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for asmallcrime for her generous donation to my LiveJournal help_japan effort, for the prompt: "Obsession".

Prologue

As Kirk stands before the hearing, having declared his right to face his accuser, his body goes preternaturally still as a Vulcan stands up, holding himself tall like some mythic god who benevolently chooses to grace the mere mortals about him with his presence. For a moment, nothing else exists for Kirk, time itself stands still, as he takes in the sight of the most beautiful being he has ever cast his eyes upon. In an instant, his mind catalogues the angular face, the upswept brows and pointed ears, the small mouth - currently compressed into a thin line - and the dark, dark, mysterious eyes that he guesses miss little.

He knows it for what it is: one of those defining moments in his life, one he will always remember the vivid details of as though his memory took a holograph that he will be able to take out and inspect any time he pleases, every detail faithfully catalogued.

Then the being moves, graceful in his gait as he descends the stairs, and Kirk remembers to breathe again. His slate gray uniform - marking him as an instructor - emphasizes the Vulcan's broad shoulders, his narrow hips, his long legs; and everything about that body speaks of power and strength carefully leashed. As he makes his way to the podium, he is given a name: Spock.

The spell is broken when Spock begins to speak and Kirk's emotions veer from awe, to indignation and then to anger.

\----

"I want Spock as my First Officer."

"What? Why?" McCoy asks, his eyes wide. "You two did nothing but argue the entire time we were away from Earth." He places his cappuccino on the table and leans back, crossing his arms, as if contemplating the enigma to him that is his friend, Jim.

"Not the entire time," Kirk says mildly and takes a sip of his espresso, savoring the flavor. Both of them agree that pretty much anywhere in San Francisco produces a better cup of coffee than the synthesizers on the ship, and the café they're now in is better than most. Kirk knew he'd get an argument from his friend and so uses the pause to choose his words carefully, wanting to win McCoy around. "On the Narada we were a team - it was like a dance, Bones, each of us anticipating the other. I want to have that again." He wants it like burning. In that short space of time they were on the _Narada_ , he never felt so alive. Nor had he felt so _safe_.

McCoy eyes him skeptically. "What if you don't get the dance, just the arguments, for the next five years, Jim? You really want to risk driving us all bat-shit crazy?"

Kirk grins, knowing there's no love lost between Spock and his soon-to-be CMO. "Don't bring your own prejudices into this."

McCoy sits up, his eyes wide. "Now wait just one damn minute, I'm not-"

Kirk puts up both hands to forestall the inevitable tirade. "I'm not accusing you of xenophobia, Bones, just... well you haven't exactly tried to hide your antipathy for him."

McCoy's shoulders slump and he drains the mug. "You know why," he says flatly. Kirk does - Bones hasn't forgiven Spock for throwing him off the ship and almost causing his death on the ice planet. He's also pretty sure there's some guilt tied up in there, as the doctor didn't try to stop Spock - a fact that had pissed off Kirk at the time, but not one to hold a grudge, he's gotten over it. "I just don't trust him, Jim," McCoy adds earnestly.

"I can see the potential, Bones." He's told McCoy about the mindmeld with Spock's counterpart, but never revealed how much he saw, including the snippets of Spock's and Jim's lives together in that other universe. They had bled through between the images he was being shown, and took several days for him to remember them as his mind tried to make sense of memories that were not his, of events he had never experienced. He has no idea to what extent the ambassador and his captain had connected - whether just as friends, or more - but it proves if they had it, so can he. "I'm not saying it'll be easy," he adds when McCoy scowls, "but I think once we figure it out, it'll be awesome."

McCoy's scowl deepens.

+

"No."

"But sir-" Kirk pleads. This is _not_ how he wanted this meeting with Pike to go. In his hand he holds the padd Pike's given him with the names of ten StarFleet personnel who are qualified to be his First Officer, complete with their academic and performance records to date.

"Don't ‘but sir' me, Jim." Pike sounds exasperated, which is only going to push his goal further away, because Kirk knows the admiral can be a stubborn bastard. "You've got a list of ten fine officers to choose from. If I were still captain, I'd pick any one of them to be my exec."

Kirk hates how Pike has forced his hand before he's had a chance to put the wheels in motion that would give him what he wants. These ‘fine officers' are all very well, but they're not who he's after. His mouth forms into a thin line, ready to dig his heels in.

"But none of them are-"

Pike's palm hitting his desk hard stops Kirk before he's really begun. "Don't be so goddamn selfish, Jim. You are not, I repeat, _not_ to approach Commander Spock about this. I've told you he's made his decision - and I totally support him in it. And that is that."

He doesn't intend to give up on this, but Pike's order's going to make it ten times harder since he now can't approach Spock directly. He wants the Vulcan on his ship when they leave Earth and he's willing to do whatever's needed to make that happen.

Kirk lets go of his defiant stance, and begins to scroll through the names as though he's interested. He can't afford to let Pike realize he hasn't given up on his goal. The admiral leans back a little and threads his fingers together. "Go through that list and pick your First - we need a name a week before launch at the latest."

"Yes sir," he says, and stands to attention.

Pike's eyes narrow - maybe he capitulated a bit too easily, Kirk thinks. "Dismissed, Captain."

+

"It's not going to happen, Kirk."

"I thought he was your boyfriend," Kirk protests. "Don't you want him on the mission with you?"

Uhura glares at him. "What I want isn't relevant. He's made a decision to help what's left of his people, and if that's what he needs to do, then I'll support him in that."

He really thought he might have an ally in Uhura but she seems to be so defeatist. "Did you even try to talk to him?"

She puts her hands on her hips and leans into his space. "Exactly what part of ‘he's resigning his commission to help his people' are you failing to understand?"

They're standing in a quadrangle on Academy grounds and as her voice gets louder, cadets walking along the path they're standing on give them an ever wider berth.

"Okay, okay, I get it," Kirk says, putting his hands up in surrender. "I just thought, you know, you might fight for him. Even a little bit."

Uhura's shoulders slump and that's unexpected. As Kirk gazes at her quizzically, she glances down at the ground for a minute, finally looking up. "I couldn't," she says, her voice a little unsteady. "Once he told me what he wanted to do, that was it. I wasn't going to argue, no matter how I felt."

Oh. That's noble, he thinks. More noble than him, anyway.

+

"The thing is, I've got this list of ten officers and the one I want isn't on it."

"Indeed," the Ambassador says, his eyebrow raised and Kirk smiles. "Your choice would be my counterpart, who intends to resign his commission."

"Right," Kirk agrees and drains the last of his espresso, unsurprised this older version of Spock gets the picture with little need for explanation. The café they're sitting in is the same one he took McCoy to when they had this conversation.

The ambassador takes several sips of his herbal tea before carefully placing the cup on the saucer with a quiet ‘clink'. Leaning his elbows on the table, he clasps his hands together, steepling his index fingers and regards Kirk contemplatively. "You wish me to approach my counterpart, do you not, Jim? But what of universe-ending paradoxes?" He says the last with a quirk of his lips.

"Is a universe-ending paradox even _possible_? Now one thing I _do_ know," Kirk grins, "is if you were convinced of it, you wouldn't be here on Earth where's there's the possibility of running into the other you."

"Ah," the ambassador nods, his smile widening. "So I failed to - as you would say - pull the wool over your eyes."

"Yeah, but I got that you didn't want Spock to know about you and kept my mouth shut. So, would you be willing to talk to him?"

"Do you believe I may have some degree of influence over him?" the ambassador asks.

"Well, I don't know if you've got influence, I was more looking for advice."

"Advice?" his lips quirk up and Kirk can't help but smile in response. He knows the old man sees right through him - how could he not after working with his Jim Kirk for so many years?

"Well, where do you think he'd be better off?" Jim asks. Since the ambassador himself was on the _Enterprise's_ first five year mission in his own timeline, he's banking on the fact the Vulcan will believe his counterpart should experience it too.

"Logically Spock can assist in setting up the colony _and_ serve on board the _Enterprise_."

Jim grins. "That's true. I've been trying to figure out what logical argument I can present to show him that he can achieve more by going on the mission than staying behind and working on setting up the colony."

"Surely you are capable of devising such an argument for yourself," the ambassador points out.

Jim folds his arms on the table and leans forward. "Well I would be, except Pike's forbidden me to approach him myself. You're in a unique position to help me, because you know some of the discoveries he's going to make and the actions he's going to take that will save potentially millions of lives, if not more."

The ambassador's eyebrow wings up as he studies Kirk for a moment. "Such as...?"

 _Shit,_ Kirk thinks. He hoped the ambassador would take his comment as a general statement, but he if he's asking for examples, he obviously suspects he got more from their meld than the Vulcan meant. There's no point lying to him.

"Well, uh...the Fabrini, for one."

The ambassador shakes his head. "I was emotionally compromised at the time of our meld and failed to put up the necessary shielding in my haste to share the events surrounding my presence there. It was naïf of me to believe you would only see what I chose to show you. James Kirk in any universe has a highly dynamic mind, and since ours are so closely attuned, even without knowing it, you are more than capable of reaching in to see beyond what I meant to share without my realizing."

Unable to meet the Vulcan's steady gaze Kirk looks down. Even though it was unintentional, he feels inexplicably guilty, as though he somehow violated the sanctity of the ambassador mind. He assumed what he saw had somehow ‘bled' through, not that a part of him actively went in and took, even though it was without conscious volition. "I'm sorry."

"Jim...Jim," he repeats when Kirk doesn't look up and he feels a gnarled finger lift his chin. "You are not yet trained in the mind-arts, therefore it is not your fault that our minds are so compatible that you are able to navigate mine as easily as you can your own."

Kirk feels relieved and somewhat vindicated at the ambassador's words and his talk of their mental compatibility gives him more reason to want Spock with him on the mission. The discussion provides Kirk with the opportunity to ask the one question he's been curious about ever since the meld. "How much did you see of my mind?"

"None. Despite my...lack of control, we are taught at a young age never to enter a meld and read the thoughts of another without their permission."

Kirk's thankful for that: there's a lot of shit going on in his head he wouldn't want anyone else to know about. "You didn't miss much - I think the way my brain's wired, no sane Vulcan would actively choose to share minds with me!"

The ambassador gives him a wry smile. "Were it not for the circumstances I find myself in, I would say you would always be welcome in my mind. However, I fear that I have already caused enough damage to the timeline without giving you prior knowledge of events that may yet happen."

"I guess that means you're not going to give any hints to Spock about what he might expect to be involved in then."

"It would be irresponsible of me to do so," the ambassador confirms. "However, if I have an opportunity to speak to my counterpart, I will find other means to attempt to persuade him of the rightness of remaining in the service of StarFleet, as I do believe that is his best destiny."

Jim smiles, feeling elated, but his expression causes the ambassador to frown.

"I cannot make any guarantees, Jim," he points out.

"Yeah, but at least _you're_ willing to try."

+

It was a fight to the last with Pike, but Kirk finally got an agreement that he'd make a decision on his First Officer by the time the _Enterprise_ returned to Earth from their shakedown cruise. All set to leave without a First Officer, the euphoria he feels when Spock appears on the bridge is profound. The shakedown is a supply run to several Earth colonies, takes seven days and all goes well.

Now they are on their mission proper and they're a month out from Earth. Their assignments to date have been milkruns and Kirk's fine with that. It's taking all his time and energy learning how to run a ship and he's getting less input from Spock than he would have liked. It just makes him more determined to prove to Spock that he can do this.

Kirk lies on his bunk aware from the ship's blueprints - as he's never actually set foot in Spock's quarters - that the Vulcan's bunk is just the other side of the bulkhead from him, their cabins mirrors of each other. And connecting them is a shared bathroom. Life couldn't be better.

He has no idea how often Spock stays over in Uhura's quarters - it's not something he wants to even think about. But the chances are, he sleeps in his own bed some of the time and statistically, tonight could be one of those times. Which means there's about a meter of air and two centimeters of titanium separating them. Without the bulkhead he could reach out and touch Spock.

The thought has him rock hard and pushing down his pajama bottoms. Taking himself in hand, as he's done every night since Spock's arrival, he fantasizes being in a relationship with his First Officer, imagining himself to be the center of Spock's universe, being the entire focus of the Vulcan's attention while Spock fucks him into next week.

The fantasies vary - sometimes he's fucking Spock, or they're giving each other blowjobs, or frotting against a wall; and whichever scenario he chooses, it never takes him long to come, and every orgasm hits him like a star going nova.

+

Every shift they share, Kirk is highly aware of Spock's presence sitting just over his shoulder. Sometimes - probably several times a shift - he turns his chair as if to survey his dominion, but really he's only interested in looking at Spock, who invariably has his back to him as he works diligently at the science station. Kirk does it because a part of him still can't believe Spock elected to join him on the mission. And because another part of him _wants_. All he usually sees is the stiffly erect back, a pointed ear nestled against a cap of black hair. Occasionally, if he's lucky, Spock is standing looking into the sensor device, and Kirk gets to ogle his ass in trousers pulled tight as he leans forward. It never fails to give him an instant hard-on and he's thankful those times for the datapadd he usually works on during quiet shifts that covers up evidence of his lapse. There have been times when he catches Spock looking over at Uhura and he has to work not to scowl as a band seems to tighten around his chest.

Not too often, because he doesn't want to arouse suspicion, he'll go over to the science station to ask Spock a question. He pitches his voice low as if he doesn't want to be overheard, so that would appear to be his excuse for getting up from his chair, rather than turning to Spock from it. When he does this, he always places one hand on the back of the chair and leans in close enough that he can feel the Vulcan's heat and he can detect the scent that is uniquely Spock. He always breathes in deeply.

There's never anything in Spock's face, which he keeps schooled at all times, telling Kirk what Spock thinks of these interruptions. He has no idea what Spock thinks of him either as a person or as his commander. Nothing about his demeanor gives anything away and it frustrates the hell out of Kirk.

+

Kirk decides to make the first overture of friendship to Spock and corners him in the line for the food synthesizers. "Uh, a few of us are playing poker in Scotty's quarters. Would you like to join us?"

"I am not interested in card games, Captain."

"If you don't know the rules, we can teach you," he presses.

Spock stares at him as if he might be a particularly ludicrous lifeform he's just come across. "My answer stands."

Kirk carefully hides his disappointment as Spock collects his food and goes to sit with Uhura.

+

"Do you play hoverball?" Kirk asks as they ride down to the briefing room in the turbolift.

"No, I do not."

"Want to learn? I'd bet you'd be awesome at it!" Kirk smiles encouragingly.

"I find I have no interest in meaningless games, sir," Spock replies and as they enter the briefing room, he goes to sit next to Uhura, even though his rightful seat is next to the captain.

+

"Captain, might I remind you I have three times your strength."

The games ideas weren't working out, so he's trying a different approach.

"But there are ways of compensating for that."

"You will recall that you failed to show any ability to counteract me when we fought on the bridge."

Kirk flushes at the memory. "I wasn't trying to fight you, just..."

Spock stares at him and raises an eyebrow.

Kirk swallows. "...I just needed to get you to lose control." Even though he apologized, he still feels bad about that whole episode.

"Nevertheless, the potential for severe injury were we to spar negates any potential benefit you may derive."

It's clear Spock means specifically injuries to him and that his first officer believes he himself would derive no benefit from it. "Surely if you're concerned about that, you can hold back-"

"Captain, I have given you my answer."

Well shit.

+

Kirk sends ambassador Spock a promised update on their mission so far - they're too far from the Vulcan colony to be able to talk in real time. Given the incredible series of coincidences he witnessed since entering this timeline, the Vulcan is interested to see just how much of an overlap there will be between his own experiences and Kirk's. So he shares what isn't classified. At the end, he adds that things aren't going too well on the Spock front and asks if the ambassador has any advice.

He gets a one word response.

+

"Chess, Captain? I think not."

Kirk refrains from knocking the supercilious expression off Spock's face. "Why not? I'm a good player. Put my name and ‘chess' into a search of the interwebs and you'll see for yourself."

"I thought I made myself clear. I am uninterested in pursuing any so-called leisure activities with you. I ask that you desist from pestering me."

How did Spock manage to make him feel like he was six years old? "Fine. I get the hint."

"Indeed, perhaps I was too subtle previously. If that is all, Captain...?"

"Dismissed."

Left alone in the briefing room, Kirk decides he needs to go punch the shit out of something in the gym.

Kirk's fantasies begin to include images of Spock begging to be taken.

+

Their first hostile contact is with a cloaked Romulan bird of prey. Two outposts were destroyed in what looks like a test of the Federation's defenses. StarFleet has been expecting this.

After catching up with the bird of prey close to the Neutral Zone, a successful strike by the _Enterprise_ leaves it without warp capability and they begin a deadly game as each ship tries to destroy the other. Kirk utilizes every trick he can think of to prevent the Romulans guessing their next move while Spock spends his time between damage limitation and advising Kirk against each of his ruses on the basis they are both potentially dangerous and illogical, only to find, each time, they're successful.

Kirk tries not to crow at each win. He's proud of his crew working as a team as well as they had during the encounter with the Narada. The chase ends twenty two hours later when the Romulans are cornered and self-destruct, but not before the commander of the enemy ship congratulates Kirk on his tactical skills and calls him a worthy opponent.

"Damage reports," Kirk orders, adrenaline the only thing keeping him functional after so long without sleep.

"Only minor damage, Captain," Spock answers. "Aft shields at thirty seven percent, the remainder range from seventy nine to ninety three percent. We were most fortunate."

"All decks report fully operational, sir," Uhura adds.

"Ach, we have some minor damage to the secondary hull, sir, where the aft shield didn't hold up as well. Nothing tae worry about though. We'll have it all fixed in a wee while."

"If it can be delayed, then do it, Scotty," Kirk says. "I'm ordering you to a minimum of eight hours rest in your quarters."

"But sir-"

"That's an order," Kirk repeats. He pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Sickbay - any casualties? 

"Only my wits," McCoy growls, his tone of voice telling Kirk he isn't joking. It makes him smile. "And just when are you planning on getting some sleep, Jim?"

"Now that I know everything's under control, in about ten minutes Bones."

"Right, I'll be up there then and if you're still on the bridge, I'll drag you off myself."

Kirk grins and closes the channel. "Good work everyone. Now for some much-needed rest." He turns to Uhura. "Get a crew up here to replace us on the double."

"Aye sir."

"When replacements arrive, I want everyone - and that includes you, Spock - to take a minimum of ten hours rest."

Sulu turns with a grin. "You won't get any argument from me, sir."

"Captain," comes the voice of his favorite person. Kirk swings his chair around to face Spock. "I found many of your tactics, while effective, were highly illogical."

Kirk smiles at him, enjoying the slight air of puzzlement and counting that as a victory. "Really? All I did was utilize a few chess tactics." As Spock's eyebrow rises in obvious surprise, Kirk stands up and stretches, his back making an audible crack. "Right, before Bones drags me out of here bodily, you have the conn, Mr. Spock."

+

Rec room 3 is quite noisy when Kirk and McCoy enter, though the levels drop noticeably when the crew spots their commander's presence.

"Sometimes I wish I could be invisible," Kirk says plaintively as he retrieves his meal from the synthesizer. "I hate that they change their behavior when I'm around."

McCoy shrugs. "Human nature, Jim. They're going to act different because you're like a parent to them."

Kirk spins round. "What? No!"

They walk with their trays to a vacant corner table.

Kirk considers his friend's words and realizes it does make a weird kind of sense. Half his crew are under 25 and even though he's pretty much the same age, the senior crew do represent the law and order of the ship from which commands are passed down and expected to be acted upon.

"You know, Bones," Kirk muses, "that could make for some awesome daddy-kink sex."

McCoy half chokes on the lemonade he's drinking. "For fuck's sake, Jim, don't put such horrible images in my head. You'll give me nightmares!"

Kirk grins happily.

They eat and chat and multitask with the padds they've brought with them - neither of them completely able to switch off even when not on duty.

"Oh look," Jim grins as Spock enters. "Here's mommy!"

He times it to perfection, just as McCoy is finishing off his drink. "You did that on purpose, you bastard!" the doctor accuses once he's brought his coughing under control.

"You can't call me that - I'm the captain."

"Someone needs to keep you in your place," McCoy points out. "After spending three years living with you as a snot-nosed cadet, I'm entitled."

"Captain," Spock says, before Kirk can point out that it isn't his fault half his allergies result in rhinitis. He turns his attention to Spock, wondering how he managed to get over to them so stealthily. It's a neat trick and for a brief moment, he has the comical image of Spock suddenly appearing noiselessly in various of his science labs and freaking out his staff. The thought makes him grin.

"Spock."

The Vulcan looks at McCoy and back to Kirk. "I wish to learn more about your chess tactics, sir."

Kirk wants to leap up and punch the air in triumph that Spock has finally, finally approached him, but instead he somehow manages to keep his cool.

McCoy stands up, picking up his tray and padd. "I'll leave you two to it...daddy."

Jim grins and waves him off before turning his attention back to Spock. "Sure - want to play now?" He hopes he doesn't sound too excited and hopeful.

"That would be acceptable," Spock says and goes to fetch the chess set from a vacant table.

Kirk is now inwardly flailing and as he picks up his tray to dispose of it, his fork clatters to the floor. Before he can even lean down to pick it up, a blonde yeoman steps up and does it for him. "Allow me, sir," she offers, holding out her hand. "I'm heading that way."

"Thank you yeoman..."

"Rand, sir."

Kirk has been thinking he needs a personal yeoman as he frequently has little time for the more mundane chores and admin work. He makes a mental note to check her record.

"Thank you."

As she walks away, his focus goes back to Spock who has taken McCoy's vacated seat and is setting up the board. It's the first time they've sat opposite each other in any other capacity than a professional one, Spock occasionally reporting to his quarters, as ordered, when Kirk's working and needs his help or input. Those meetings can easily take place on neutral territory, but Kirk likes the idea of Spock in his private space. And despite a sometimes strong urge to do so, he never sniffs the chair Spock sits in after he leaves because that would be too weird, even for him - though it's sometimes a close call.

Helping set the board up he decides, for fun, to try to keep his first officer as off-balance as possible during the game.

They've only played a few moves when Spock says, "May I make a personal query?"

"Sure," Kirk said, trying to figure out how he could cause the most chaos in the fewest moves.

"Why did Doctor McCoy refer to you as ‘daddy'. Clearly you are not his father."

Kirk smiles and is about to explain, but then remembers how private Spock is, and how little he shares of himself. Two can play at that. "Ah, that was just a private joke."

Spock's eyebrow wings up. "Indeed?"

Kirk chooses not to answer and focuses on the game. In the end, Spock wins, but not without a protracted battle. Kirk enjoys the opportunity to just look at Spock openly for once.

"You play a most illogical game, Captain."

"Kept you on your toes, did it?" he grins.

"I assure you my feet were-"

"It's an idiom, Spock," Kirk smiles. "It means you had to remain aware and alert throughout the game."

"Ah. Then that would be an accurate summation. I would not be averse to a rematch."

Kirk grins, his goal more than accomplished.


	2. Chapter 2

Something shifts between them after that. Spock makes time to play Kirk at least twice a week when their workload permits. Because of the general noise levels of the rec room and the fact they often end up with an audience, by mutual silent consent, the matches move to Kirk's quarters. Sometimes things crop up while they're playing and duty forces them to abandon the match, but Rand - who's an otherwise highly competent yeoman - learned after the first time that happened, not to touch the board and they simply pick up where they left off the next time.

The matches also act as a springboard for discussions on everything from Federation politics to quantum mechanics, which Kirk finds incredibly stimulating and satisfying, and he believes Spock does too, especially when he can challenge the Vulcan's beliefs and assumptions. Sometimes when he's too tired or keyed up to concentrate on a game, they just have their discussion with the board sitting untouched between them.

Their talks rarely touch on anything personal, and in his bid to better understand Spock, Kirk does a little private research into his family. He met Spock's father in the middle of the battle with the Narada, and learns how Sarek was instrumental as Vulcan's former ambassador to the Federation, in helping over a dozen planetary systems become Federation members, as well as brokering peace talks between factions intent on interplanetary war on three separate occasions. He also ensured Vulcan/Earth relations remained positive following the destruction of the Kelvin after it was discovered the Narada was crewed by Vulcanoid Romulans, a fact which gave rise to strong anti-Vulcan feeling in some quarters. Kirk had an inkling from the way Sarek carried himself - with such gravitas - that he was formidable, and now he had evidence to prove it.

He also discovers that until her death, Spock's mother, the Lady Amanda, frequently worked tirelessly behind the scenes on her husband's missions and among her many accomplishments, was successful in forging initiatives that helped maintain peace and fostered constructive relations between former warring factions. And she did all this while bringing up her half Vulcan, half Human son. Kirk can feel only admiration for her and wonders how much Spock must miss her.

Over the course of that year, he learns enough about Spock from his opinions and beliefs to be able to divine his values and everything Kirk knows about him, he likes. He realizes that his fixation with Spock has grown into something more as he's gotten to know the Vulcan better, his feelings having evolved to a quiet longing, and he knows he's in love. He has nothing but scorn for the all the poets who rave about how pure and untainted unrequited love is. As far as he's concerned, it sucks.

The shift between them follows them into their professional lives. While on duty, they seem to work more smoothly together on the bridge and on missions. As the end of the first year approaches, they've had far more successful missions than not, with StarFleet mostly singing Kirk's praises, though he's always quick to point out it's a team effort and that he has an enormously competent crew to back him up.

There is one bone of contention that remains between him and Spock, and it's to do with landing parties. Kirk won't let Spock go on them, preferring to go himself, unless the reason absolutely requires him to (like a science survey) and then Kirk always manages to find a reason to go too.

Spock thinks it's illogical that the Captain puts himself in potential danger when he himself is more than qualified in most cases to be on the landing party - unless the mission specifically requires the captain to beam down, for example a diplomatic mission.

But in this matter, Kirk will not be shifted. He doesn't care how it looks, it's how it's going to be. What no-one knows is that Kirk hates Spock going planetside in case something untoward happens to him, and he worries any time his first officer beams down and for some reason he's unable to be with him. He and Spock have argued over it (hell, it's the only time in the _Enterprise_ 's recorded history that Bones actually agreed with Spock), but he will not be swayed.

+

When it comes, the first anniversary of the _Battle of Vulcan_ , as it's officially become known, is a sad and solemn affair. Every single person on the ship remembers the grief of losing classmates, friends or loved ones - there is no-one who wasn't touched, and their life altered, as a result of that fateful day.

They hold two memorial services timed so all crew can attend. With Spock standing beside him, stoic and dignified, Kirk first reads an official StarFleet message to them, and then gives his own speech, praising the those who died in service and acknowledging the courage and bravery of his crew - all of whom elected to remain with him when he was given command of the _Enterprise_.

It's after the second service that he turns to Spock as he's about to step down from the podium. "Spock."

"Sir?"

Kirk can see his face is carefully schooled to blank which is, he now knows, a sure sign that he's controlling more than usual.

"I just wanted to say: " _I grieve with thee_." He hopes he didn't mangle the Vulcan too much.

Spock's surprise is evident, an the eyebrow delicately lifting. "Thank you, Captain."

Kirk feels compelled to say more. "I never had the chance to apologize for what I said that day on the bridge. There hasn't been a good time to do it."

Spock nods. "There never is a ‘good time'," he acknowledges.

"You know I didn't mean it, don't you?" It was important for Kirk that Spock know that. He's said some pretty shitty things in his life - especially to his family in the heat of the moment - but never for one minute did he doubt that Spock didn't love his mother. And to have been unable to save her in those last moments must have been devastating.

"I am aware. Your apology is accepted."

Spock turns to leave.

"About your mom-" Kirk begins and Spock turns back. "I did a bit of research on the Lady Amanda," he quietly admits, feeling himself flush, "and found out she was quite a remarkable woman. I wished I'd had a chance to meet her." That comment isn't something he planned to say and he fervently hopes Spock won't think it weird.

Spock's surprise seems to double. "She was indeed remarkable. I only began to appreciate this after I came to Earth and lived as an alien among humans. It has not...always been easy."

Kirk looks into the dark fathomless eyes. "I hope it's gotten easier," he says sincerely.

The tension seems to leave Spock's face and there's a softening around the eyes. "Yes Captain, it has."

"Good," Kirk says, and slaps him good-naturedly on his upper arm. He's about to suggest they go get dinner together when he sees Uhura standing near the door waiting, and his heart drops. So, instead he says, "Catch you later," and walking past Uhura he gives her a nod and leaves.

+

Two months later, Spock gets his first injury, and it's serious. A botanical survey on Reguli IV comes to an abrupt end when the local equivalent of snakes somehow don't activate the tricorder alarm and begin shooting poisonous blowdarts. Spock jumps in the path of some that would otherwise have hit Kirk (because as usual, he's there). Despite the doctor's best efforts, the two other members of the landing party die after being shot, and Kirk realizes Spock saved his life. But the cost to Spock is spending five long days in sickbay - one day of that spent just stabilizing his condition and three in a healing trance.

To say Kirk freaks out during the whole episode is an understatement, though he's proud that the only person who realizes is McCoy and that's only because he knows him so well. Kirk would do the whole beside vigil thing if that space wasn't already taken by Uhura, who seems to be there whenever she isn't on shift. Kirk would find her devotion touching if he could just overcome the resentment he feels at not being the one to have that right.

This realization brings him up short and when he thinks back, he can see he's done little to forge a close working relationship with Uhura. The hostility she once harbored towards him has gone, he's sure. But there isn't the warmth and camaraderie that he shares with Chekov, Sulu and Scotty. It's something he pledges to rectify.

On the whole, that incident notwithstanding, their record for their science surveys, diplomatic missions and making first contacts is unparalleled, and aside from a few skirmishes with Romulans and Klingons, the Federation's old enemies rarely seem to bother them, though that's made up for in their discovery of other hostile alien races who have the potential to threaten the Federation in the future. But all in all, Kirk is very happy with his lot.

They are three months into their second year when Spock requests to speak to him regarding a ‘personal matter'. At precisely nineteen hundred, as arranged, Spock rings for admittance to Kirk's quarters. The captain's been working through reports and presses the button on his console to release the door.

"Captain," Spock says coming to a halt two meters from Kirk's desk and instead of his usual parade rest, stands stiffly erect. Kirk, who's become extremely adept in the subtle nuances that make up Spock's behavior, immediately notices the tension about the Vulcan which puts him on alert.

"Take a seat, Spock," he offers.

"I would prefer to remain standing, sir."

Kirk feels a spike of adrenaline shoot through him, but outwardly remains calm. There's no point in fretting when he doesn't even know what this is about. Even so, he feels too jittery to remain in his seat and standing, walks around his desk to face Spock. "Okay. What can I do for you?"

"As per the rules of fraternization, StarFleet regulation fourteen, paragraph two, I wish to notify you that I intend to form a pre-marital bond with Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, that will be made complete at the proper time. Paragraph six states that as the role of communications officer reports to me in my capacity as first officer, that I formally pass that role to your command."

Kirk barely hears the words, the loud buzzing in his ears making him distantly wonder if he's about to pass out. He swallows trying to regain some measure of control so that no outward sign of his quiet devastation shows.

"Congratulations to you and the lieutenant, Mr. Spock. I hope..." he has to cough as his throat feels like it does when he's had an allergic reaction: constricted to the point that he can barely breathe. "I hope," he begins again, "you'll be happy together." He forces a smile - an outward action that is about as far removed from his genuine feelings as it's possible to be. He's grateful that Spock, who's far from adept at reading the complexities of human body language, is likely to take the smile at face value.

For once - and the one time Kirk wishes he would - Spock doesn't deny the emotional sentiment. "Thank you, Captain. I will pass your message to my wife."

"Wife?" he asks weakly.

"There is no standard translation for the pre-bonding concept. Under Vulcan law, our status will be more than a betrothal but less than a marriage."

"Right." Kirk's keeps his hands behind his back and if he had any finger nails to speak of, the palms of his hands would now be bleeding. He forces himself to ask the one question he needs to. "Will you be going to the Vulcan colony to do this?"

"No sir. I intend to wait until our next scheduled shoreleave to create the pre-bonding link, when we will have time and privacy away from the rigors of duty."

He needs to wrap this up quickly before Spock is witness to him falling apart. "I'll leave you to raise the necessary paperwork to move Uhura's role to my chain of command. Is that all?"

Spock appears to hesitate as though he's going to say something, then seems to change his mind and nods once.

"Dismissed."

With the Vulcan gone, Kirk can finally grieve in private. After sinking to his knees, he touches the place on the deck where Spock just stood to deliver this blow and he feels like he's just come apart at the seams. The emotional pain feels unbearable; it's as though something's reached into his chest and squeezed his heart until there's nothing left but dust. Much later, when he's once again fit to be seen in public, he goes to the gym and beats seven bells out of a punchbag.

+

He tries really hard to take it in his stride, he really does. But inside him, something's broken. He continues to function efficiently as the captain, but he becomes withdrawn, avoiding social activities and burying himself in his work.

McCoy, who knows him better than anyone alive, notices it immediately - but Kirk refuses to share. The trouble is, he may have a genius IQ, but McCoy's up there with him and he seems to quickly figure it out.

"This is about Spock and Uhura, isn't it?" McCoy says after lecturing him on the fact he's lost weight that he can ill afford to. Their betrothal isn't common knowledge, except among senior staff and bridge crew who needed an explanation as to why Uhura is now reporting direct to the captain. They haven't yet done the deed as it's only been three weeks and they've been too busy for shoreleave in that time, but he and Spock agreed they may as well set up the new reporting straight away.

"I'm fine, Bones," Kirk blusters. He's always found outright denial is the best tactic when dealing with his friend. Any tiny chink and McCoy will quickly wedge it wide open.

"Well you changed right about when Spock made his announcement."

"Really, I'm fine," Kirk lies.

"It's not StarFleet is it? Giving you another classified assignment?"

That's happened a couple of times but nothing, Kirk is thankful, that was too hairy. Though the missions were conducted with Spock's full knowledge, it was only after their completion to StarFleet's satisfaction, that he was able to tell his friend about them. McCoy had been very unhappy on learning about them, feeling that Spock is ill-equipped to be an emotional support for the captain should he need it.

"No, they haven't. There's nothing wrong. It's been a while since shoreleave - maybe I should request we get some scheduled in." The irony isn't lost on him, as shoreleave is the last thing he wants, given that's when Spock and Uhura will take a major step towards tying the knot.

"Jim, if you're pushing yourself too hard-"

Kirk glares at McCoy. "Which part of ‘I'm fine' are you having trouble with? Can we change the subject?" He uses what he's come to think of as his command tone which works surprisingly often on McCoy - maybe because the boundary between professional and personal has always been blurred for them, and the doctor errs on the side of caution...usually. There have been a few occasions where another captain would have bought McCoy up on charges of insubordination, but he's always let his friend off with a verbal warning and thankfully, Spock's never tried to interfere.

After that, Kirk works doubly hard not to let McCoy have any inkling everything's other than ticketyboo, only allowing the mask to slip in the privacy of his quarters.

He's not coping well, though. He can't believe he's allowed his feelings for Spock to get to this point, especially given how Spock was never available. Honestly, he thinks, this whole unrequited love thing has him so fucked up, but he seems powerless against it. He's honestly done everything he can to mitigate it, including sleeping with anyone attractive who he deems safe - so not any of his own crew. And while he might have gotten his rocks off short-term, it doesn't affect the overwhelming feelings for Spock at all.

For the sake of his sanity, the private meetings he sometimes has with Spock he now pushes to one of the briefing rooms and he puts an end to their chess games. Spending time alone with Spock is detrimental to his health - because he can neither eat nor sleep properly afterwards - and he doesn't want McCoy back on his case.

Spock must see that Kirk has withdrawn. After half a dozen approaches by the Vulcan to schedule a game of chess, each rebuffed with a weak excuse, he stops asking and Kirk is both sad and relieved. Spock's level of intelligence is off the scale, so he's certain the Vulcan would have realized that his bonding announcement coincided with Kirk's change in behavior. All he can do is hope Spock doesn't think it's because he has an issue with mixed-race marriages or anything stupid like that.

+

The distress call from Camus II comes five weeks after Spock's announcement. Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down to find the science team who had been conducting archeological research on an ancient civilization are all dead bar Dr. Coleman, who headed the team, and a junior staff member, Dr. Janice Lester, who lies unconscious in their small medical unit.

Kirk never thought to see Lester again. She was a senior at the academy when he was a freshman and they'd had a brief fling, but he'd broken it off because he decided she was crazy. That knowledge should make him more cautious than he is.

They want to investigate the mysterious radiation which is shown to be the cause of all the deaths and in the end, as the only non-scientist, Kirk stays to monitor Lester while the others go off to run tests. As soon as they're gone, she wakes up and pressing a button on the bed beside her, somehow causes their bodies to switch. Kirk's so disorientated by the transference that he passes out and the last thing he remembers is Lester, in his body, trying to strangle him.

Kirk isn't sure how he managed it, but Coleman assumes authority over McCoy for his treatment, and he's kept in isolation away from Bones and the rest of the crew. After several days, Spock and McCoy are suspicious enough of Coleman's motives for the doctor to act as a decoy while Spock breaks into the locked isolation ward.

Because Kirk has been kept sedated, Spock has to administer a stimulant to bring him round and as he comes to, he's never been so happy to see that well-loved face. Finally, he gets the chance to explain what happened.

He goes through everything he can remember after the rest of the landing party left and concludes, "When I woke up in sickbay, I was in Janice Lester's body."

"An interesting story but nothing you have said constitutes a convincing argument for the veracity of your claim."

Kirk's brain is still slow from the meds he's been given and he tries hard to think of something he would know that Lester wouldn't. "There's another, older you from another universe living on the Vulcan colony."

Spock's eyebrow raises. "Though it's classified information, as a member of StarFleet, it's not impossible that you could have discovered this."

"You nearly died after being hit with thorns from some plant while on a botanical survey on Reguli IV."

"That mission is recorded - you could have accessed that information from the StarFleet database."

"I always insist on being the one to go down on landing parties, making you stay on board, unless you have a specific reason to be there, and I know it drives you and McCoy nuts." He looks sheepish. "It's the only thing we've ever argued about." He shakes his head ruefully. "It's the only thing you and Bones have agreed on."

Spock says nothing, just stares at him. Kirk tries to think of something else, but Spock has never shared personal information so there's nothing there he can use. A thought hits him, though even as he thinks it, he feels himself flush and he can't bring himself to look Spock in the eye. "We haven't played chess since the night you came to my cabin and told me about your betrothal to Uhura." When his comment is greeted with silence, Kirk forces himself to look up and meet Spock's dark gaze and sees something...a flicker of doubt.

He presses on, now that he has Spock's attention. "You know me better than anyone other than Bones, Spock." He's never told Spock about the meld he shared with the ambassador, never even hinted he knew what a meld is. And suddenly, he wants to have this with Spock - just this once - more than anything; to have this one chance to be that intimate with Spock. "But you have the advantage over the doctor; you could meld with me and then you'd know the truth."

Spock's eyes widen. "Where did you learn of this?"

"After you...dropped me off on Delta Vega, you know I came across Ambassador Spock. There wasn't much time to give me the whole history of what had happened, how he'd come to be there, so he melded with me and did a quick brain dump."

For someone who never shows any emotion, Spock looks positive appalled, or scandalized, Kirk isn't sure which. "You...melded with my counterpart?" he asks, as though he finds the notion hard to believe.

"Meld with me and find out the truth," Kirk pushes.

He watches as Spock walks up close to him and places his fingers on Kirk's face, exactly the way the old Vulcan did. "My mind to your mind..."

The words fade away as Kirk somehow feels Spock's presence enter him. But unlike his only other experience, this is a true sharing and in joy he opens himself up.

_Jim._

He feels so happy to hear Spock call him by name for the first time that the image he automatically projects in his head is of bubbles the color of rainbows floating all about them.

_It really is you in Dr. Lester's body._

Relief. With Spock on his side more than half the battle is won.

In Spock he can actually feel his surprise and it's not just because he can now corroborate Kirk's story. Kirk gets a clear sense that Spock's taken aback at how easily their minds mesh together, as if there's a Spock-shaped slot in his head that's been waiting for the Vulcan to fill it.

Without conscious volition, Kirk projects the image of an old pair of slippers and senses Spock's confusion at it.

_It's an old saying - when something feels comfortable and right, it's like putting on an old and much-loved pair of slippers. I know our idioms often confuse you._

Kirk feels guilt and it's not his own.

 _Spock_?

And then he knows - so many of those times he's patiently explained an idiom, Spock was perfectly aware of the meaning.

How it's possible to sense sheepishness in a meld he's not sure, but that's what Spock is projecting. _I learned my mother's tongue when I was two years of age, idioms included. However I have always found people's attempts to explain them..._

 _...amusing!_ Kirk finishes.

 _Fascinating,_ Spock corrects.

 _You were laughing at us,_ Kirk accuses him, mentally laughing at the revelation while projecting the image and sound of windchimes.

 _It does amuse me,_ Spock admits.

Suddenly, Kirk feels Spock begin to withdraw and tries to stop him by throwing up images of a fortress to hold him in.

_We must end it, Jim. I have all the information I need...and more._

When Spock stands back, Kirk finds he's never felt more lonely in his life, feeling tears well up. He does his best to hold them back, cursing the hormones - or whatever the fuck makes him feel this way, that he's not used to dealing with.

Spock unexpectedly reaches out and brushes a tear away. "Do not worry, Captain, I have no doubt I will be able to convince Dr. McCoy of the veracity of your claim."

In the end, McCoy needs no convincing, realizing the man claiming to be Jim Kirk isn't his friend, when Lester in the guise of the captain, starts to arrest the senior officers for mutiny and throws them in the brig. Before any real damage is done, McCoy manages to sedate both Lester and Coleman. Three days later, they are back on Camus II where the transference is reversed.

+

They drop off Lester and Coleman at Starbase 2 where they are formally arrested and charged for the murder of the rest of the science team on Camus II, as well as numerous other counts, including attempting to hijack a starship. Now they're gone, Kirk can finally relax. He finds it ironic that before this happened, he'd have given his eye teeth for the chance to be a woman for a day and have some fun. But when it happened, he felt no urge whatsoever to explore the body he suddenly owned - even though he knew it intimately from his time when he and Lester had dated.

Lying on his bunk, he allows his mind to drift. Just as it did the first time with the ambassador, it takes a few days for some of the unintentional background leakage from the meld to surface in Kirk's memory, and he opens his mind to whatever snippets want to come through.

There's far less to sort through he realizes, perhaps because Spock wasn't emotionally compromised as the ambassador had been. The first thing he learns is that Spock and Uhura haven't yet undergone the formation of their pre-marital bond - though that shouldn't be a surprise as they've still not had proper shoreleave. He also learns that Spock holds him in very high regard, actively admiring him and his command capabilities. He discovers he's also an enigma to the Vulcan who seems continually surprised to discover new facets to his captain. He feels guilty when he realizes that Spock misses their chess games and discussions, and while he now knows it's connected to the announcement he made, he doesn't understand the reason for Kirk's withdrawal.

Kirk sits up suddenly, panicked. He's an idiot! Why didn't he think of this before? Probably because he was half drugged out of his mind. The ambassador's words that day in the café come to him:

_We are taught at a young age never to enter a meld and read the thoughts of another without their permission._

But unlike the meld he shared with the older Vulcan which was essentially an information dump, this time he invited Spock in to inspect his mind in order to identify him. _Shit! He'd essentially given Spock permission to rifle around in his head._ Which means it's almost a certainty that Spock knows how Kirk feels about him. It's been four days since the meld and as yet, Spock's not said anything to him or given any hint of what he knows.

He paces his room. There's nothing he can do - he can't undo the meld - but man, now he's realized, the embarrassment he's going to feel when he next faces Spock is going to be mortifying. He'll just have to brazen it out. Lying down, he tries to sleep.

Over the next few days Kirk looks to see evidence of a change in Spock, perhaps becoming more formal with him, or limiting their encounters even more, but he sees nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe, he wonders, Spock only sought the information needed to verify his identity and without explicit permission, didn't look beyond that. Perhaps, then, he was saved the embarrassment of Spock's discovery of his feelings. When, after a month, nothing changes, Kirk decides that is what must have happened.

+

Four weeks after the meld, they finally get shoreleave on Wrigley's - five days of well-earned rest with first one and then the other half of the crew taking R&R on the famous pleasure planet. Kirk spends his entire allocation with McCoy and knowing Spock and Uhura are doing the bond thing, he wants to get totally hammered and fuck anything with a pulse. His friend points out that the two are generally mutually exclusive given the effects of alcohol on humans, so he compromises on both.

It's a week after they depart Wrigley's that Spock approaches Jim for the first time in months to ask him for a game of chess. He's missed Spock and even though he knows he'll now never have him, he's been trying hard to move past it for the sake of the mission and his crew. So he accepts. The first time they play, he finds it difficult to look directly at Spock and has an ache in his chest that makes it hard for him to breathe. But each time they play it gets easier and their conversations, less stilted. During their fifth match, after they'd both spent part of their day having their quarterly physicals, Spock makes a quip about McCoy's bedside manner that makes him laugh, and he realizes it's something he hasn't done much of for a while.

Two months after that, Spock asks Kirk who he should speak to about joining in the regular poker games played by the senior and bridge crew. He wonders whether Uhura's suggested to Spock that he should socialize more. He's surprised, then, when the Vulcan shows up for the first game - and subsequent ones - alone, and wonders if maybe it's not her thing.

It's after the mission where they have their first brush with the Gorn Hegemony on Cestus III and Kirk nearly gets killed, that Spock suggests Kirk should undertake additional hand-to-hand combat training. He also proposes that he be the one to supervise it. At one time, this would have been a wet dream for Kirk but now the idea of it is like being a starving man looking at a feast through a window. Unfortunately, both McCoy and his security chief concur, and with no valid reason not to, Kirk has to agree.

The first time is almost unbearable and thoroughly distracted as he tries to hide his hard-on, Kirk makes a lot of mistakes. Before the second time, he gives himself a stern talking to and reminds himself to act like a professional. He somehow manages to switch off from his ‘this is Spock I'm grappling half-naked with' script in his head, to a new ‘I need to learn this shit if I don't want to get killed' script, which is largely effective and becomes more so as time goes on. The change in mindset doesn't stop him jerking off in the shower straight after each session, though, because he thinks he deserves at least that much of a reward for what he's putting himself through.

During the course of one of their chess matches, they discover a mutual interest in Terran literature and start their own mini-book club, meeting once a week, when duty permits, to discuss their latest read. For the first time, Kirk is beginning to view Spock as a friend and not just as someone he's fallen in love with. He learns to separate the two, the latter only getting an airing during private moments.

It's towards the end of their second year that Kirk has his closest brush with death and ironically, he comes out unscathed. They are visiting Zeta Leporis II and as usual, he's gone down to the planet ostensibly to learn about what the geologists and seismologists are working on, but in reality, to keep an eye on Spock. It's ironic, then, that of the whole landing party, he's the only one who gets into trouble when the ground rumbles and a fissure suddenly opens up right where he's standing. It's Spock's sure-footedness and lightening reflexes, grabbing Kirk's wrist, that prevents him from falling down the hole that appears.


	3. Chapter 3

They're just at the start of the third year of their mission when they get sent to Alpha Triangulii IV.

"I have a bad feeling about this, Jim," McCoy tells him the evening before their arrival as they sit side by side on the couch in Kirk's quarters, enjoying an after dinner snifter.

"You have a bad feeling about every mission, Bones," Kirk points out mildly, taking a sip of his Saurian brandy and feeling the heat of it slip down his throat like hot nectar.

"Probably because you manage to get yourself in trouble more times than not."

"It's a simple diplomatic mission - all we're doing is opening up negotiations to mine dilithium. They're a peaceful and friendly society - what could go wrong?"

+

Kirk paces back and forth the length of the transporter room, pausing every now and again to look at Spock and Scott who are bent over the transporter's controls. The security detail going with him stands near the door waiting with far more patience than he has.

"How much longer?" Kirk asks for the third time.

"Unknown, Captain. The ferocity of this ion storm has abated somewhat, however it is not yet safe to transport."

"Can't you, I dunno, guess?" The sarcastic comment doesn't go over well, as Spock glares at him - as much as it was possible for him to glare. What it adds up to is a miniscule widening of the eyes, but to Kirk: that counts as a glare.

He holds his hands up in surrender. "Okay, I'm sorry. I just hate being late."

"I believe," Spock says, studying the sensor readings on the transporter console, "that we will be able to beam down in four point seven minutes."

"Great," Kirk says and goes and stands on the pad. The security detail looks first at Kirk and then at Spock, unsure whether to join their captain. Since Spock isn't making a move yet, they hold back.

Kirk can see that neither Scott nor Spock are at the controls when he feels the transporter beam take him. In the moment between here and there, he sees Spock look up and then turn to the controls and then he's back again. Except Spock isn't there and neither is his security team; and Scotty's staring at him in what looks like shock. A wave of dizziness hits him.

"What the hell happened?" he demands, swallowing to quell his roiling stomach.

Scott doesn't reply, just continues to stare. He looks down at himself and can't see any reason his engineer would be behaving so weirdly.

"Scotty? What's wrong?"

Scott presses the comm. button on his console. "Captain? I think you'd better come down here, quick."

Captain? "Scotty, for fuck's sake, what the hell is going on?" he demands, his confusion turning to anger.

Scott shakes his head. "It cannae be possible."

Kirk gets the distinct impression Scotty's not actually addressing him, but before he can ask, the transporter room door opens and in strides Spock, wearing command gold with captain's stripes. His first thought is that the color looks all wrong on him. Spock's taken only two steps into the room and then faltered, his face looking much like Scott's.

Meanwhile, Kirk is trying to figure out what the hell had happened. "Spock?"

"I was trying to beam up Commander Finlay, Captain, but the ion storm was still affecting the transporter. And when I saw an eye, I hit the controls and...he appeared. I dinnae know what happened to the commander, but she's nae doon on the surface any more."

"Call for Dr. McCoy," Spock says and then turns to Kirk. "Who are you?"

He's feeling physically and mentally disoriented and completely confused by Spock and Scott's weird behavior; and he has no idea who Commander Finlay is. "I don't know what the fuck's going on, but I'll go along with this charade if you give me some answers. I'm Captain Kirk of the USS _Enterprise_. Now why are you acting like you don't know me?"

He sees Spock glance down at his arm as if to verify his rank as he hears Scott page the doctor.

"I do know you, Captain. I am at a loss to explain how you are here, however."

Kirk is about to reply when the door opens to admit McCoy and he, too, stops in his tracks and stares. Kirk's beginning to feel really pissed off.

"Will some one please tell me why you're all looking at me like I've returned from the dead, or something."

"That's because you have," McCoy says, looking down at his tricorder which is whirring away.

Kirk is dumbfounded. "Dead? How?"

"On stardate 2260.47, you were killed on Zeta Leporis II during a bout of significant seismic activity," Spock replies. The room tilts and Kirk staggers, thinking he's about to be sick or pass out - he's not sure which.

"Woah, careful there, kid," McCoy says coming up to him and propping him up. "Captain, permission to take him to sickbay. It'll take me a few minutes to do a DNA analysis to verify, but I'm 99.9% sure this is Jim."

"Permission granted."

Feeling sick and dizzy, and a million questions running through his head, Kirk is helped by McCoy from the pad, and as they approach the door, the Vulcan turns to Scott. "I require a full verbal report on what has taken place, and..."

Kirk hears nothing more as it slides closed and he's in the familiar corridor that links the main transporter room with sickbay. How many times has he been grateful the distance between the two is so little? Now, feeling nauseous and swallowing hard, he enters what he's come to privately call _Bones' Domain_ and is quickly ushered to a biobed.

A moment later, the doctor presses a hypo to his neck, far more gently than he's used to. "What's that? he asks warily, not wanting to be put under.

"It's an anti-emetic - you look a little green around the gills."

Even as the doctor explains, Kirk feels his stomach settle down and is grateful he isn't any longer on the verge of hurling. He still has a thousand and one questions, but training taught him to stay quiet and first try to learn as much about the situation he is in as possible.

"Open your mouth - just want to take some buccal cells from your cheek for analysis."

Kirk sits up and does as he's told while the doctor takes a swab and enters it into a small hand-held device. A minute later McCoy looks up at him, one eyebrow raised and is about to speak when he's interrupted.

"Doctor?"

Kirk turns to see Spock standing in the doorway. Even though it's only a few minutes since they left the Vulcan in the transporter room, he's once gain taken with the weirdness of seeing Spock in gold and not blue.

"He really is Jim Kirk, Captain, but obviously not the one we knew."

Spock walks over and for the first time, Kirk examines his face, and realizes there are lines there that ‘his' Spock doesn't have and there's something about his eyes...

"Captain Kirk. Are you familiar with the quantum theory of multi-universes?"

"Uh, yeah," Kirk answers, his brain shifting into gear, and in a moment the whole picture falls into place. Having seen the final reports from the Narada incident he now knows way more about quantum theory than he ever expected to. But that was a split in the time line - which while it led to two parallel universes, both of them had been seeded by the same universe. And Nero and the ambassador arrived in their timeline via a black hole. But even as his mind considers the conundrum, there are fragments of something the ambassador experienced that he needs to focus on to try to put together. But analyzing those memory fragments will have to wait as he has a more pressing question, namely to his knowledge, that nothing even remotely close to those conditions occurred in his case.

"How? I've never heard of transporters doing anything like this before."

"Can you describe to me what took place immediately prior to your arrival here."

Kirk tells Spock what happened and how the transporter hadn't even been activated when he was beamed away.

"I believe the cause was a number of factors, some of which we may be unaware of. However, we will be required to establish them in order to replicate the exact conditions that will achieve a successful reversal of the transference so that you may be returned to your own universe and my first officer restored to me."

"If there's anything I can do to help..." Kirk says, though he isn't sure what that might look like. He did fairly well in the sciences, but suspects what is needed in this situation is well beyond his capabilities.

Spock nods. "Your offer is noted, captain." With that he strides off.

Now he's had a chance to talk to this other version of Spock, he's able to make a comparison and it isn't favorable. This captain is as stiff and uptight as his Spock was at the start of the Narada battle.

"Is he always like that?" Kirk asks the doctor.

"Like what?"

"Like he's got a tritanium rod shoved up his ass."

He expects McCoy to grin but instead he scowls. "He's a Vulcan. I don't know about where you come from but here they're a formal, logical race who carry themselves with dignity. Furthermore, I will not have you bad-mouthing him in my sickbay."

Kirk puts his hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, sorry! I didn't mean anything by it. It's just I haven't seen my Spock act like that since the first time we met."

"Yeah, well maybe he's got a good reason to act like that," McCoy says cryptically, but before he can say any more, Chapel walks in and almost drops the padd she's holding as she raises her free hand to her mouth in an audible gasp of shock.

"Doctor?" she says, addressing McCoy but staring at Kirk.

"It's a long story," McCoy responds. "And no, it's not the Jim Kirk we knew."

While Kirk recognizes everyone's shocked reaction is understandable, it's getting trying. What he wants is to be given a cabin where he can get on the ship's computer to find out as much as he can about this universe.

"What are you going to do with me until we figure how to get me back?" Kirk prompts.

McCoy looks at him contemplatively. "I don't want you staying here - you're going to give someone a coronary at this rate." He walks over to a wall comm. unit. "McCoy to Captain Spock."

"Spock here, Doctor," comes the reply almost immediately.

"What should we do with...uh...our _visitor_? I can't keep him in sickbay until you figure out how to send him off and get Commander Finlay back."

"Very well. A member of security was posted outside sickbay. The captain can be escorted to one of the state rooms until we are ready for the transference."

And that's how Kirk came to be in one of the ambassadorial suites trying to hack into the ship's computer database. The level of encryption is impressive - better than on his own ship. Finally, he gets into the crew's personnel records and the first one he brings up is for James T. Kirk (deceased). Seeing the word sends a shiver down his spine, the memory of McCoy's often angry tirades at Kirk's ‘cavalier attitude towards his own safety' ringing soundly in his ears.

He starts at the beginning and the first thing that hits him is the fact that in this universe, his father is still alive and he has a younger brother and sister; he's surprised at his visceral reaction to that knowledge. Having no father in his life was something he simply accepted - what you've never had, you don't miss. But of course he's often wondered what his life might have been like had his father survived his encounter with Nero. Did Nero even happen in this universe? There's no time to dwell, and he continues through his records.

There's nothing of particular note - though he joined StarFleet at age eighteen and was on active duty by the age of twenty one, serving as a _junior science officer_ on the _Enterprise_ under the command of Captain Pike, reporting to Chief Science Officer Spock. Huh. He'd enjoyed sciences at school but for as long as he can remember, his desire had been to command a starship and it had remained in the back of his head even when he went off the rails for a few years after graduating high school. Meeting Pike had brought it back full force, but there had been no question he wanted the command track.

The other Kirk's rise through the ranks had been swift - clearly he was a highly competent officer. But there's a notation he almost missed as he scrolls down through the data which is like a punch to his stomach. Stardate 2259.245, Lieutenant Commander Kirk - now First Officer - was formally bonded to Captain Spock, their union ratified by the Vulcan High Council. Kirk sits back in his seat, trying to bring his breathing under control.

His first thought is how unfair it is that a version of himself had been Spock's bondmate, but hard on the heels of that is the realization that Spock seeing a ‘ghost' of his bondmate must have been painful in the extreme. It's no wonder he was so stiffly formal - it must have been agonizing for the Vulcan to see him apparently alive again. It also explains McCoy defense of his captain.

As if his thoughts had conjured Spock up, the door to his cabin slides open and the Vulcan enters.

"Captain, I must ask you to desist from hacking into the ship's computer."

Kirk stands up, and pushing down a vague feeling of guilt, meets Spock's gaze. "What would you do in my place?" he challenges. "I'm trying to make some sense out of all this."

Kirk sees it, even though it's just a flash, the longing on Spock's face before he schools it back to an impassive mask.

"It is understandable, Captain-"

"-Jim," he corrects.

"No! I cannot..." Spock looks away. "You have seen the records. You are not the Jim I knew." He looks back at Kirk and the pain in his eyes is so raw, it takes Kirk breath away.

To have Spock love a version of himself that much. It's so unfair. "I'm sorry," he feels compelled to say.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I'm not the Jim you want, and...you're not the Spock I want." It was a fanciful notion, but he was sure there was someone up there laughing at their situation.

"Is...your Spock dead?"

"What? No! He's my first officer. But he's bonded to Uhura."

"Uhura?" Spock repeats and there's a distinct look of incredulity on his face. "It cannot be. What was the stardate prior to your arrival here?"

Kirk feels confused: what did the date have to do with anything? he wonders. "Uh, 2261.59, why?"

"Then it is impossible they are bonded," Spock declares.

Kirk shakes his head. "No, it's not a full bond; when Spock told me his intention, he called it a betrothal bond, but he still refers to Uhura as his wife."

"Clearly there are marked differences between the Spock of your universe and me. Uhura would make a desirable mate - but not for me. The first time Jim and I shared minds, I knew he was t'hy'la to me."

"Well, we did share a meld a while back, but it didn't change anything," Kirk says. He can only wish it is this version of Spock who existed in his universe. He wonders at the meaning of the Vulcan word Spock used but doesn't ask.

"Perhaps there are other forces at work about which I do not know."

It's true the two Vulcans were shaped by entirely different life circumstances, which would have an affect on their beliefs and attitudes. In this world, he's guessing, Nero never appeared and Vulcan is still a thriving planet. For the first time, Kirk considers whether the loss of Spock's planet played a role in his decision to take Uhura as a wife so early in their career: with so few survivors, the imperative to produce offspring must be great.

"Maybe," Kirk hedges. Taking a leaf from ambassador Spock's book, he doesn't want to give too much away in order to minimize his contamination of this universe.

"You implied you desire your Spock, despite his betrothal."

Kirk winces - when put like that it sounds kind of douchey. "I've been working on letting him go."

Spock's face seems to soften. "Without success, I surmise."

Kirk flushes. "I'm not that obvious, am I?"

"Remember I have known you in a way your own Spock never has. I can see the hunger in your face when you look at me."

Kirk turns away, embarrassed. "Sorry. I can't help it."

"Why do you not fight for him?" Spock asks.

Taken aback by the question, and feeling a knot of anger in his stomach, Jim turns back to look at Spock. "Because I'm not that kind of guy!" he says, his voice raised. "It's bad enough that I feel like I do for someone who's not available. But I'm _never_ going to try and split Spock and Uhura up. They're both my friends - I'd never do that. Spock's made his choice and I've accepted it."

Spock looks at him skeptically but makes no comment.

Kirk feels a change of subject is needed. "Do you have any idea how long it's going to take you guys to figure out how to send me back?"

"We have input the factors that we know of and the ships computers are currently working on the equations. However, not all of the factors are in our control. Even when we have all the necessary data, we will be obliged to wait for another ion storm to pass through this system."

Kirk has a sinking feeling at that announcement. "How often do they happen?"

"This sector of space is prone to them but they do not occur with any significant regularity."

"Great, I could be stuck here for years."

"I believe months is a more accurate assessment, though it may be only days."

Kirk sits down and distractedly runs a hand through his hair. "I imagine you want me gone - it can't be easy looking at me."

For a moment, Spock's eyes reflect the grief Kirk was sure he must be feeling. "I believe the term you would use is ‘bittersweet'. Now, if you will excuse me, Captain."

Kirk nods and Spock turns towards the door. He pauses a moment. "I am aware that your ability with computers is prodigious. I ask that you refrain from seeking information about this universe and taking potential knowledge back with you that could alter your own."

+

Kirk finds himself effectively confined to quarters with _nothing to do_ and it's driving him nuts. All he can do is read fiction. Despite working around the clock, Spock's apparently no closer to figuring out how to return him.

And Spock can't stay away from him - visiting him in his quarters every evening. Kirk privately thinks it's a bit morbid, but on the other hand, after hearing of their life together, he totally understands Spock's compulsion, even if he does think it's unhealthy. And really, who's he to judge? He's had an unhealthy fixation on his Spock since the day he clapped eyes on him and he still hasn't been able to let it go.

He's had some weird thoughts too - fantasizing being this Spock's Jim, and wondering what life would have been like together. If he's totally honest with himself (and having way too much time on his hands gives him plenty of time to think), if Spock wanted to sleep with him, he probably wouldn't turn him down. And as times goes on, the more he thinks about it, the more sure he is that he'd welcome such an overture.

With that growing certainty comes a small voice telling him that maybe he could stay here and spend his life with this Spock. He's had little to do with his family since his teens, so the only person who'd likely miss him is McCoy, and maybe Pike - and both of them would get over it. Here, he'd have Spock and even a proper family, complete with a father he's never known. The thought is seductive in the extreme.

And he knows that notion's wrong - not to say selfish - in so many ways.

After three days of kicking his heels, he and Spock begin to play chess. Apparently his Jim never played the game and that makes sense to him. He learned at school as a means to keep him from having to go home and face whatever mood Frank was in. And once he mastered the game, he got to go away on tournaments, which was a huge incentive to improve his ability even more. Which he did. And having played his own Spock, he knows all his moves and strategies, and so thrashes the Vulcan the first three matches.

Things are going okay between them until on his eighth day of captivity - because that's how it feels to him - Jim knocks a chess piece off the board as he's moving another and both he and Spock make a grab for it, both missing the piece but ending up holding each other's hand. There's a current of undefined feelings flowing between them, raw and desperate, and Kirk's mouth goes dry as he holds his breath.

Spock's expression is naked want and he suspects his own face is mirroring it. They both stand and hesitate; move towards each other; finally embrace; and suddenly it's like matter and antimatter mixing as a conflagration consumes them, and the wounds of loss they have each been holding inside are cauterized in the flames of their passion.

The joining isn't restricted to the physical as Spock slides into Kirk's mind with the ease of great practice and is there before Kirk even realizes it, adding to his euphoria and sense of completion. Jim explodes in orgasm and when Spock comes, moments later, it's with a sob of anguish, and for the next five minutes, he holds Spock as the Vulcan weeps. Having now experienced Spock's loss first hand through the meld: the terrible grief the Vulcan felt as his bond was ripped apart by death, it counts as the most heart-rending experience of his life.

"We're fucked," Kirk announces later as they lie wrapped around each other on his bed.

Spock sits up. "We cannot allow this to happen again," he announces, and standing, starts to pull on his clothing which is spread around the floor where Kirk practically ripped it off him.

Kirk knows they shouldn't. McCoy - both of them here and there - would have a fit if they were to find out. But fuck, that was the best sex he'd _ever_ had, and he's no slouch when it comes to sexual conquests. The only thing marring its perfection is the fact that it's not _his_ Spock. They're both sexy as hell, but it was the Spock from his own universe who he's come to know and fall in love with. The two Vulcans are qualitatively different.

+

It's some time the next day - sooner than his previous two melds - when he starts to gain impressions about Spock he hadn't remembered at the time, some of it is to do with Spock's life with Jim who he met at age 18 and had just joined the academy. Later he gets another impression of Spock sifting through his own memories and finding some of the ones he'd gotten from the ambassador. What was weird was that before, some of the memories were too fragmented to make any sense to him, and it's as if Spock somehow managed to piece them all together into something coherent and left them intact.

Well shit, he thinks, realizing Spock just went in and took a nose around uninvited: presumably the rules were different for Vulcans in this universe. And so much for avoiding cross-contamination between universes.

Spock visits him that evening and they start out well, because as Spock pointed out, they really can't afford to allow it to happen again. But it does, with an inevitability that laughs in the face of their noble intentions. They meld again too. Immediately afterwards, Spock apparently gets an attack of guilt and slinks off, leaving Jim to bask in the afterglow alone.

He's hoping that doing this will somehow get Spock out of his system because when he gets back, he's going to have to face the fact that the Spock there won't be his. The thought makes him ache with longing and he just knows that his...obsession...with his first officer won't be over.

It's at some point the next day that the realization hits him that Spock saw a memory of ambassador Spock's in the first meld they shared that he's been unable to let go - in fact he was focused on it all that day before they jumped into bed together. The _light-speed breakaway factor_ , also known as the slingshot effect - the ability to literally turn back the hands of time. It has been a theory for years but Jim now knows that it's possible, thanks to Spock somehow knitting together some fragmentary memories gleaned from the ambassador. And now this Spock knows and he's trying to figure out how to go back and prevent his Jim from dying.

As soon as Spock enters his quarters he turns on him. "You're crazy!"

To his credit, Spock doesn't attempt to deny it. "I _have_ to try."

"And if you fail, you'll end up burning up in the star."

"Then so be it. I have been like the walking dead since I lost my bondmate. Death would be a welcome release."

Things happen quickly after that. A small Vulcan starship makes rendezvous with the _Enterprise_ which Spock leaves on - apparently having gained StarFleet's approval. Kirk can only wonder at the clout Spock clearly has in this universe, not only to keep the ship in orbit over Alpha Triangulii IV for so long, but then being able to just go off on a crazy crusade in a bid to bring his bondmate back to life. Spock left Scott in command with the order to continue doing everything he can to find a means to reverse the transporter effect.

Before Spock leaves, knowing it's likely a suicide mission, they make love for one last time and it's a desperate and poignant coupling. For Kirk, whatever the outcome, this will be the last time because even if Spock does return successful, his memories of the original timeline may be wiped and he won't remember that they'd slept together - why would he do that when he has a bondmate?

While Spock's away, McCoy stops by to talk to him, but it's clear he doesn't have the same relationship with his Kirk in this universe - they never met on a shuttle, in fact didn't meet until they were both serving on this ship. Meanwhile, he's going stir-crazy with boredom and has started to write papers based on his missions as well as offer new strategies and tactics for dealing with hostile situations.

After four days he gets an unusual visitor. When the chime goes, Kirk expects it to be McCoy but when the door opens, he gets a shock. Looking at him, clearly curious, is a familiar face.

"Hi," his doppelganger says. "Can I come in?"

So, Spock was successful, though he's not yet returned to the ship - probably traveling back from Zeta Leporis II. It means for everyone on the ship, their first officer didn't die in the earthquake. And that makes him wonder why he can remember the truth - perhaps because he's not from this universe and is operating somewhat outside its laws.

"Sure," he says and motions him to the couch. This Jim is wearing science blue - which is a better coloring on him than command gold, he realizes, and he sports the rank of lieutenant commander.

"Wow, this is weird - you look exactly like me, right down to the birthmark just under my right ear."

Kirk grins. "It is kinda freaky," he agrees. For the first time, he gets an appreciation of how it must have been for Spock looking at his counterpart - the fact of their meeting only coming to light several months into their mission. So he was apparently right, meeting an alternate you doesn't result in universe-ending paradoxes which, all things considered, is just as well.

"Sorry I've not been by earlier, but I've only just been released from sickbay. Do you have a ton of allergies too?" Jim asked.

"Yeah - it's a pain for Bones."

"Bones?" Jim asks, frowning.

"Uh, my nickname for McCoy."

"Oh, cool. I just call him Len or ‘doc'. We went to this planet of pygmies and I got hit in the leg by a spear with a poisoned head. Anyone else would've been alright but I went into anaphylactic shock. I was in stasis for twelve days until McCoy figured out an antidote and then he kept me in sickbay for another two days just for the hell of it."

Kirk grins. "Sounds like the McCoy I know and love!"

"So, you're a captain. How did you make it to the top that fast?"

Kirk wonders how much he should say. "It was a battlefield promotion - afterwards we'd lost so many ships and qualified officers, StarFleet decided to let me keep it."

Jim frowns. "That must have been some fucking battle! Is it something we should be worried about here?"

Kirk shakes his head. "If it was, you'd have come across it by now, so no. I think that was something specific to my universe."

"You'll be pleased to know while I was stuck in sickbay, I wasn't sitting idle. I've been looking at your situation and realized Spock was off with his calculations - despite that amazing brain of his," Jim adds, smiling fondly. "It's no wonder he's gotten no-where with it yet. I think we may have the magic formula. All we need to do is wait for the next ion storm, which according to long-range scanners, is about five days away. This is good, because if my calculations are right, there's a degradation of the path over time so that it becomes harder to return to your own universe the longer you leave it."

That has Kirk alarmed. "What if I can't get back?"

"Right now, it's not a problem, but in another few weeks... I honestly can't say. When you came here, you left a wake like a boat in the water, so we can see the trail and follow it to get you back. But there's an infinite number of universes and once that wake has been dispersed, there's no knowing how to find the right universe to send you back to."

"So what did Spock miss?" Kirk asks, curious, trying not to think about the implications too much.

"The nature of space in this region," Jim says, leaning forward, an excited look on his face. Although Kirk's paying full attention, a part of him can't help wondering if he looks like this when he's enthused about something.

"There's a naturally occurring weakness in the space-time continuum in the region of this system," Jim explains. "Add an ion storm and transporter technology and you have yourself an effective temporary interphasic rift that allows transportation from one dimension to the other - like a corridor to other universes. The weakness doesn't show up on any tool we have to measure and until now, it's been just a theory. I wrote my doctoral thesis on spatial anomalies, which is why I know so much about it, and Spock doesn't."

The answer still doesn't make sense to him. "So how do you know it's out there?"

"I don't, technically, but I've done the math and there's nothing else it could be. Spock was focusing on the interplay of the transporter, the ion storm and the huge dilithium deposits on the planet which acted as a kind of power source, boosting the strength of the transporter signal, but it's the anomaly that allows for inter-dimensional travel. If you're interested, you can take a look at my work on it."

Kirk doubted he'd understand the math, but there might be something there of interest. "Sure, thanks," he says distracted by a thought that occurs to him. "I know you managed to beam me here without the use of my own ship's transporter controls. Will it work the other way - that you can send me back without their input too?"

"That's the only variable I don't know about with any degree of certainty. In getting you here, it seemed as though we were controlling movement through the anomaly from this direction."

"But what if you're not and the _Enterprise_ isn't there any more?"

Jim looks surprised by the question. "Why would they go? Once they figure Finlay's from an alternate universe, they'll be looking for you, won't they?"

Kirk feels worried. "I don't know what strings Spock pulled to keep you here in orbit, but I doubt my ship would have been allowed to hang around that long. Our next mission was to deliver supplies to a colony - that's not something you can hold up.

Jim frowned. "They'd leave their captain behind?"

"The crew wouldn't want to, but they have to do what StarFleet tells them."

"We don't know how this works - it may be that you return only a few minutes after you left. There's no saying that time isn't distorted through the rift."

Kirk feels his stomach knot. "So equally it may go the other way and maybe months or years have elapsed. What happens then? Will I get beamed into space?"

"No, we'll adjust the destination to put you on the planet."

"Okay. That way if they're not there, I can make contact with the Federation through the locals."

What if not months or years, but decades or centuries or even millennia have passed? The thought makes him feel sick. He pushes it away - there's no point in worrying over a detail he has no way of predicting.

"Look, I'm acting captain until Spock gets back from this Vulcan diplomatic mission on Zeta Leporis III."

_Vulcan diplomatic mission_ Kirk wonders. Is that what he told them he was going off to do? Or is that what he's really been doing now that a new reality has been created? Then the name of the system - Zeta Leporis - hits him: Spock's mission is to the neighboring planet of the one where both he in his own universe and Jim in this one got caught in an earthquake. Which means that after Spock returned back to his own time he was in the right place for the mission and may or may not carry any memory of what he actually did. The thought brings on the beginnings of a headache.

"It doesn't make any sense to me to keep you confined to your quarters like this. Everyone knows we beamed a second ‘me' on board so it's not like you're a surprise and if you wear civilian clothing, no-one's going to confuse you with me!

"But what if I see or do something I shouldn't?"

Jim shrugs and smiles. "Just don't go saving anyone's life or making anyone pregnant and we should be good!"

Kirk's not about to argue. He feels imprisoned here and just being able to go use the gym will seem like a luxury.

"I need to head out to do my captainly duties." He scowls as he stands and it makes Kirk raise his eyebrows in surprise and question.

"Spock's a way better captain than me - I'm happy running my own little domain in sciences and letting him deal with all the political and diplomatic shit."

The politics Kirk would well do without, but he actually enjoys the challenge of diplomatic missions, though the diplomats themselves, he conceded, can be a pain in the captain's ass at times.

Kirk grins. "Thanks for the freedom," he says, walking his counterpart to the door.

He has a go at reading Jim's work and is surprised at how much he does understand. One thing he's pretty certain of - and it's another thing that really fucks with his head - is that without Jim's input, he might have gotten stuck here. Spock may have figured out the final factor - the spatial anomaly - but probably not in time for him to be able to follow his path back. So if Spock hadn't melded with him, he'd never have known how to get his Jim back and Jim was the one who knew how to get Kirk back. Now he really did have a headache.


	4. Chapter 4

The days until Spock's return go by quickly, much to his relief, and he is graced with a visit from the captain not long after he gets back aboard.

"I understand Jim countermanded my orders and allowed you to roam free about the ship," Spock says with a slight twitch of his lips.

Seeing Spock again and remembering what they'd shared makes Kirk flush and he makes an attempt to smile through it. "Yeah, I was about climbing the walls." He's curious if Spock remembers anything. "So...uh...how did your diplomatic mission go?"

"All was well. My presence was required to ratify a peace treaty specifically with the Vulcans due to our pacifist leanings - the planetary government refuses to have dealings with the Federation as a whole."

Kirk looks for any signs that Spock was saying this to cover what he really did, though there's no reason why he would given Kirk knew his plans. But he saw none. Just like that, a new timeline has been created by Spock's actions and he apparently has no memory of what he did to change it.

"Is the Federation seen as war-mongerers, then?"

"No. However, while StarFleet is primarily set up for exploration, it is nevertheless a military organization whose secondary purpose is to protect and defend Federation members. This latter remit is the cause of concern among more pacifist planetary governments. It is perhaps ironic that on this ship, Jim focuses on the exploration aspect of our mission while I am trained in battle strategy and tactics."

Kirk smiles. "Jim's apparently figured out the formula to send me back."

"Indeed, he is a brilliant scientist and original thinker." Spock's eyes soften. "I am indebted to him for enriching my life."

+

Two days later, Kirk stands nervously on the transporter pad while last minute checks are being made by Kirk and Scott to the transporter controls. He's got his uniform back on and has said his goodbyes to Jim, Spock and McCoy - the only three he had any meaningful interactions with. He's also left a message for Finlay for when she gets back here as she's going to think, seeing Jim alive, that's she's returned to the wrong universe. Without any details, he explained what happened and suggests she doesn't share it with anyone.

He thinks he's done a good job of not letting Spock know how he feels to be leaving him behind and going back to a Spock who belongs to Uhura - but then again, this one belongs to Jim, so he doesn't win in either universe. But at least when he gets home, it's to the Spock he knows and loves and he's resigned himself to just being a friend. That he has made love with a version of Spock will make it that much harder, but at least he can die knowing he got to experience it.

He's in the middle of these ruminations when he suddenly feels the pull of the transporter beam and from the looks of Jim and Spock - it wasn't instigated by them. Which means it's being operated from his universe.

When the transporter effect dies he can see immediately he's not on the _Enterprise_ , though the man at the controls is happily familiar.

"Captain," Spock says. "I am gratified to see you have returned uninjured."

Kirk smiles, inwardly feeling a little overwhelmed. "It's good to be back Spock." Somehow he manages to refrain from going over to Spock and hugging the life out of him. At the same time he wonders why Spock's not in uniform.

"Where's the _Enterprise_?"

"StarFleet permitted the ship to remain for a further week. However the need to deliver the supplies became paramount and took precedence."

Kirk frowns. Surely they wouldn't have allowed Spock, as acting Captain in his absence, to remain behind. "So why are you here?"

Spock assumes parade rest and looks at a point over Kirk's shoulder. "During the week the ship remained in orbit, it became increasingly clear that there was a window of time in which it would be possible to retrieve you before the pathway between the two universes degraded. Since Admiral Komack ordered the ship to continue to its next mission with little guarantee of a timely return, I resigned my commission."

"You what?" Kirk says, shocked.

"I resigned my commission, sir."

"But that's insane! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful you were able to get me back here, but you just threw away your career."

Spock continues to refuse to look at him and doesn't seem to have anything to say to that.

Kirk is poleaxed, and has a million questions going around in his head that he tries to sort through, as he needs more answers. He tries not to think about the fact that he would be returning to the _Enterprise_ without Spock. After all he's been through to get back here, that one thought alone kills him.

"Why? Why did you do it, Spock?"

"Because I considered it my duty."

The answer makes him angry, mainly because he doesn't believe it. "Bullshit!" Kirk counters. "If duty was imperative, you would have followed Komack's orders."

Spock looks at him placidly. "I considered your safe return to be of paramount importance."

"You're saying you think Komack was wrong to order the ship away," Kirk interprets.

"The colony required the supplies. Any delay could have put the health of the colonists in jeopardy."

The answers still aren't making sense. "You could have just requested to remain behind."

"I did and I was refused. There was also the matter of ensuring Lieutenant Commander Finlay's safe return to her universe."

"I assume since she's not here that she went at the same time as I arrived."

"Indeed. She was most anxious to return. In this universe, her fiancé served aboard the Farragut and perished at the Battle of Vulcan."

Kirk winces. Talking of fiancées, he asks, "What about Uhura?"

Spock seems to tense even more but doesn't answer.

"Spock?" he asks more quietly.

"Nyota terminated our relationship."

The news pulls Kirk's emotions in two distinct directions - one is concern for his friend and the other, which he feels ashamed to acknowledge, is ecstatic.

"Why?" he asks, thinking he's beginning to sound like a broken record.

"It is personal," Spock says quietly.

Okay, so he isn't going to push on that. "The Kirk and Spock in the other universe said if the ship wasn't here, I'd be beamed to the planet. You didn't need to stay. Maybe Starfleet will be willing to take you back and-"

"If that was their hypothesis, then they were wrong, Captain," Spock interrupts uncharacteristically. "If you recall, you were pulled into their universe without the transporter in this one. It is the ‘pull' effect that determines which universe you appear in. If they had pushed you using their transporter, with an infinite number of universes, there is no knowing which one you would have arrived in."

"But the path-"

"Is not sufficient in itself. The transporter acts like a magnetic force, pulling you towards the correct destination."

"But Finlay wasn't pulled here - or pulled back there, for that matter."

"If you will cast your mind back to your high school physics lessons, you will recall that Newton's Third Law states-"

"-For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction," Kirk quoted.

"Correct. When you were pulled into the other universe, Finlay was propelled into this one.

"How come they didn't figure that out?"

Spock finally looks at him. "They did not have the benefit of my counterpart working with them, who has a significant and unique experience in interdimensional travel. Together we calculated the correct formulae. I understand it is not the first time he has retrieved you from a parallel universe."

That isn't one of the memories that bled through the meld with the ambassador. He feels relieved at getting back, especially considering how close he was ending up in another universe entirely and maybe never finding his way home. The thought makes him feel slightly nauseous.

"I need to talk to Pike - get your commission reinstated..." he looks at Spock and doubt hits him. "...unless you don't want to go back," he adds uncertainly.

"I would wish to return if I am able to remain serving under you, Captain," Spock says quietly.

At the declaration, Kirk feels like a tight knot in his stomach unwinds and he can't help but smile. "If they won't take you back, I'll resign."

"Such a bluff is unwise, Captain."

Kirk shakes his head. "I won't be bluffing." And he means it. If nothing else, the sojourn into the alternate universe has shown him where his priorities are. He loves his ship, but he loves Spock more.

Spock frowns. "Why would you give up the _Enterprise_ on a principle?"

"I wouldn't want to serve in any organization that wouldn't fight to keep you in it." It's the safest thing for him to say.

"StarFleet command would not appreciate being held to ransom in such a manner. There is every reason to believe they would allow you your resignation. What would you do then?"

"I dunno - do something worthwhile. Stick around with you and go help the colony. If you didn't mind me hanging around," he added, uncertainly, realizing he was assuming a lot.

"I would not mind you ‘hanging around', Captain." Spock's lips twitch at the use of the colloquialism and the answer makes Kirk grin.

When he contacts Pike, the admiral is clearly relieved to see Kirk back and well and hints that Komack may be in the Admiralty's dog-house for not supporting Spock and losing a very able officer. Kirk can only imagine at all the things Pike didn't say, including the political fall-out of StarFleet losing its only remaining Vulcan. Pike apparently kept his commission open and in the hopes Spock would find Kirk and bring him back, hadn't allowed a new Captain and First to be appointed to the _Enterprise_ , so Scotty and Sulu were doing the honors. Kirk was beyond relieved at the news.

"So, the _Enterprise_ is currently in sector 9b at the Corlan system," Pike explains. "I'll notify Scotty and once they're done there, they should get to you in nine days or so. Meanwhile, you and Spock are stuck on Alpha Triangulii IV on enforced leave. Enjoy it while you can!" Pike smiles.

After the screen goes blank, Kirk turns to Spock with a grin. "Well that's all good news."

"Indeed."

There's an awkward pause as Spock just looks at him. "Well," he said to fill the silence. "What now? I guess you have a place to say."

"The government representative has been most cooperative during my stay here."

"Dralos," Kirk says, remembering the name of the planet from his pre-mission brief.

Spock inclines his head in acknowledgement. "They provided a chamber with two pallets in the event of your successful return."

"Good planning. Is it far from here? What's the local time, by the way?"

"The time is 19:44 - Dralos, if you will recall takes twenty five point seven hours to revolve on its axis. The apartment is a short distance from here." Spock turns towards the door and Kirk follows.

Kirk assumed walking distance but outside the building they were in sits a sleek aircar, the doors to which rise up like bird's wings as they approach. As he sits back in the seat, Kirk realizes it's the first time he's seen Spock pilot anything and enjoys watching him handle the vehicle. A few minutes later, Spock comes to a halt at tall building and as they climb out of the aircar, a local approaches them from the building's foyer to park it for them.

The elevator is fast and when the doors opened, it's into an expansive room with floor to ceiling windows on three sides. As Kirk walks around he realizes it's completely open plan with no walls between the living, cooking, sleeping area and bathing areas - and that's weird because not even the toilet's got its own cubicle.

"Uh...not much in the way of privacy," Kirk says finally looking down at two oval-shaped sleeping pallets side by side on the floor.

"It is their custom to live communally," Spock explains.

It wasn't part of the brief as they were ordered to sleep on board during the negotiation period. Now he can see why, and thanks the person supplying StarFleet with intel on the planet. If his guess is right and the whole team would have had to share a communal place like this, it would have been beyond awkward.

Kirk walks over to one of the windows and stares out at the panoramic view across the capital city. The sun has just set and the sky is awash with colors from orange to crimson to purple. There are other high-rise buildings but each of them is set apart, so that none is overlooked by another.

He feels bad that he's encroaching on Spock's space, knowing how much Vulcans value their privacy. But this place was clearly set up for when he returned, and who knew what offence might be caused if he asked for his own place? Not that he wanted it - the thought of sharing such close proximity to Spock was both exciting and daunting. His biggest concern lies in the fact he's likely to have a hard-on for most of the time he shares this room with Spock and there's nowhere to go to do something about it. Everything is in plain sight of everything else. He has no idea what Spock's opinion on the matter is. He's been staying here, alone, for quite some time.

He turns to Spock who's standing in the middle of the room. "I can't believe I was gone a hundred and six days when I was only there for seventeen days."

"The flow of time does not necessarily pass at the same rate between the two universes."

"Yeah, Jim said as much."

"Jim?" Spock asks, frowning.

 _Shit!_ He wasn't thinking. Finlay must have told Spock that his counterpart died - and probably what he and Spock were to each other. For a brief moment, he considers lying but immediately quashes the thought - he could never outright lie to Spock.

"My counterpart." He glances down, wondering how he's going to explain this without giving too much away. "While I was there, the other you utilized a means of time travel to go back to stop Jim from dying."

Spock's eyes narrow. "Given the accident, according to Finlay, occurred four months prior to your arrival, the fact this event took place while you were present there is statistically unlikely to be a coincidence."

This is where it gets tricky. He crosses to the couch and sits down. "No, it wasn't a coincidence."

"If you were able to furnish him with the information required to undertake what is, to my knowledge, a theoretical possibility only, how did you acquire this information?"

Kirk flushes and Spock's eyes widened at his reaction. Unable to meet the sharp glaze, he looks down and explains how ambassador Spock had melded with him on Delta Vega.

"The ambassador has not seen fit to inform me of this," Spock says, tightly.

Kirk glances up trying to gauge where Spock is with it and decides he looks a bit pissy. "Why would he?" Kirk countered. It's not like they're close. He's knows he's spoken far more often to the ambassador than Spock has.

"Because as a non-telepath, there may be residual effects of a meld that could pose a threat to your mental well-being."

Kirk shrugs. He's well aware of some of the residual effects and he's not about to admit that to Spock.

"In addition," the Vulcan continues, "that does not explain how-" Spock stops mid-sentence as realization presumably dawns. Spock's eyes narrow and Kirk knows what's coming. "How much additional information did you ascertain from the meld with the ambassador?"

"Some," Kirk hedges.

"Some? The ambassador's actions are reprehensible. To meld while emotionally compromised and therefore unable to properly control the telepathic link with the proper shielding was both negligent and reckless."

Huh. Spock looks almost angry. "I was fine - no harm done," he reassures him.

"I was not concerned with damage being done to you, since the ambassador is no doubt practiced enough not to cause you any mental damage. My concern is to do with the timeline, given you are in possession of advanced knowledge of potential future events."

"But the timelines are different and there's no saying what will or won't happen. And besides, it was only scraps of things that I can remember."

"Yet you knew enough to give the Spock in the alternate universe the formula for time-travel, and as a result, he altered his own timeline. Why did you provide him with that information knowing at the very least the Prime Directive would forbid you, if not your own conscience?"

Kirk flushes again knowing this is the really tricky bit. "I didn't give it to him, he took it. Apparently Vulcans there aren't as scrupulous as they are here."

Kirk thinks Spock looks close to gaping. "He violated your mind?"

Kirk stands up, full of nervous energy. "Uh, not exactly. I mean, it was consensual."

"You _chose_ to meld with him?" he asks incredulously.

"Yeah I did." Kirk says defensively and he's damned if he's going to give any kind of explanation.

Spock's wearing what he's come to think of as his ‘unhappy face', his mouth a thin line, almost down-turned. Usually this comes out when they're disagreeing about who's going on the next landing party and Kirk grabs that little piece of familiarity in amongst this chaos. This whole confrontation is wearing him down when he's been under stress for so long, worried he'd never get back here after Jim's return left him no place in that universe.

"It is considered a highly intimate act and not something Vulcans undertake lightly. I do not understand why, especially when he had not long lost his bondmate."

"Well, there's your answer, Spock!" Kirk says, angry now, feeling at the end of his tether. "It wasn't long after I arrived. He looked at me and saw the bondmate he'd loved and lost." He's certain Finlay must have told him while she was here, so he isn't giving anything away. "And he missed Jim so fucking much - it was killing him to see me and know it wasn't the man he'd cherished more than life itself."

"You pitied him," Spock says, the words an accusation.

And finally it's all too much and he can't hold it in any more. "No! I loved _you_ but couldn't have you," Jim shouts at him, "and then suddenly I was in a universe with a Spock who _wanted_ me, who loved a version of me enough to take him as his bondmate. And in _our_ need, we comforted each other. And I don't give a flying fuck if you judge me for it. I would have stayed there with him, if he hadn't brought his own Jim back to life because at least he wanted me as much as I wanted him!"

The words just tumble from him like a torrent, having been locked away so deeply for so long, he can't bare to hold it in any more. He's sick and tired of pretending and if Spock doesn't like what he did, then tough shit. He's had enough of living day to day holding it all inside until he thinks he'll explode, unable to tell anyone - not even Bones. And for a few short days, he felt so happy and fulfilled emotionally, discovering he was quite content to work under Spock's command. It's how he knows the ship and his captaincy don't mean as much to him as Spock does.

He's well aware of the irony that had they not been intimate, Spock would never have found the time-travel formula and Jim's life wouldn't have been restored to help Spock figure out how to send him back. And even though they still didn't have it right, he was on the transporter pad at the right time ready to go when his own Spock pulled him back from that universe. But in the end, it's so unfair because no matter which universe he was in, he can't have Spock.

"You love me?" Spock says quietly, the words cutting through his inner turmoil as loudly as if he shouts them.

"Yeah well, sorry to burden you with my shit. Now Pike's got your commission back, you and Uhura can make up and we can pretend this conversation never happened. I'll tuck it all away again and it'll be like it was before - we worked together for nearly three years and you never had a clue."

"I do not wish to pretend-"

"Whatever. I'm not going to bring the subject up again."

"I love you."

Kirk stares dumbly at Spock. "What?"

Spock steps towards him. "I love you. I believe I am in love with you."

Kirk feels poleaxed. "But what about Uhura?" he says weakly.

"My regard for you is the reason Nyota terminated our relationship. She suggested my behavior towards you bordered on the obsessive."

He's completely confused. As far as it's possible to tell with a Vulcan, Spock and Uhura seemed perfectly happy when he left. "But how, when?"

"I discovered through our chess games, that I found our discussions stimulating and it became increasingly clear to me that we had much in common. When we shared the meld while you were in Ms. Lester's body, I found your mind to be unexpectedly compatible. After that time, I wished to spend increasing amounts of my free hours with you, for which I felt conflicted. Nyota blamed my interest in you for not going ahead and forming the pre-marital bond."

"You didn't? I thought you did it on the next shoreleave."

Spock shakes his head. "Once you and I shared minds, I began to experience doubt in my choice of bondmate. I asked if she would be willing to defer it and she agreed. When we lost you and I discovered via Commander Finlay that her captain had been bonded to his James Kirk, I knew that if he was capable of loving his Spock, then it was possible you were capable of it too. However, knowing he had lost his bondmate, I feared he would woo you and you would choose to stay with him."

Kirk just stares in disbelief. "You want me?" he asks, incredulous, a feeling of pure joy rising in him.

Spock calmly regards him. "I do," he confirms.

Kirk walks forward slowly, as though Spock is a wild animal that might be spooked at any moment. He stops when they are toe to toe, marveling at how close they're standing without Spock so much as flinching. Their almost identical height means that all he needs to do is lean forward and their lips will touch.

In the event, it's Spock who makes the first move, leaning forward and tilting his head so their mouths slot together, just so. At the first press, Kirk closes his eyes and feels Spock's hand slide around to cup the back of his head, the other around his shoulders, pulling him in flush with his own super-hot body.

He melts into the kiss, feeling Spock's tongue tentatively reach out to twine with his own, hot and slick and arousing as hell. It doesn't matter that he kissed the other Spock, this is _his_ Spock and all he wants to do is inhale him. He's wanted this for so long, he's afraid the moment Spock touches his cock, he'll go off like a rocket.

His hands which slipped around his waist move lower to cup his ass, the butt-cheeks firm in his grasp as he kneads them. He pushes his hard-on against Spock's abdomen and with a rising exhilaration, feels an answering firmness against his hip.

They have too many clothes on, he decides, and reluctantly pulling away from those delectable lips, he pulls his shirts over his head. "You too," he encourages, his voice a little hoarse.

Spock's dark eyes watch him as he first shrugs off his jacket and then pulls the thin silk shirt over his head, leaving his hair in slight disarray. The sight is endearing and Kirk smiles as he reaches out to run his fingers through the dark hair on Spock's chest, sliding across to pinch a nipple. The gentle gasp Spock makes tells him they're sensitive and unable to help himself, he leans in and takes one of the small nubs into his mouth and alternately worries it with his teeth, licks it and sucks on it.

Spock's got a hand clamped around the back of his neck, his breath coming in hisses as Kirk slides across to work on its mate. At the same time, he cups Spock's cock through his pants, feeling a fervent upward thrust of encouragement. Kirk is nothing if not a fast worker, and within seconds he has the fly open and the pants pushed partway down Spock's hips.

Kirk's so keyed up that he wonders if his legs will hold him up, pulling Spock into another deep kiss. At the same time, he's wrestling with his own pants, wanting them both to be naked, like right now. "Bed," he whispers.

Their pallets are on the other side of the room and as they walk to it, Kirk hops on one foot and then the other, pulling off his boots and socks, then his trousers and briefs. When Spock turns to him, his eyes widen in surprise at his nakedness. "I couldn't wait," Kirk grins, and falls to his knees on the thin mattress.

Spock removes his shoes and socks and then Kirk calls him over. His eyeline is level with Spock's stomach and his gaze follows the trail of hair that leads down from his navel to disappear behind black briefs. Kirk reaches out and pulls the pants down until they're pooled at Spock's feet. Then he leans forward and mouths the hard cock through the thin material - eliciting a hiss - feeling its heat, inhaling the musk of Spock's arousal.

As his lips caress and his tongue licks the hard shaft through Spock's briefs, a large part of him can't believe they're doing this, after wanting Spock for so long and believing he was completely unattainable. Truly life couldn't get any stranger with him having to step into another universe for this to happen.

He pulls back and slowly starts to pull down the briefs - the final barrier to his goal - gradually revealing a bush of black public hair. The pale-green cock is dragged down as it's caught in the folds of material until it finally springs free, bouncing upward and bobbing to stillness, pointing invitingly at his face.

"Gorgeous," Kirk whispers reverently, his eyes riveted to the liquid crystal drop that appears and grows, until gravity takes over and it slowly slides down the crown.

Looking up and catching the dark smoldering expression, the look of lust in Spock's eyes, Kirk loves how all that attention is entirely focused on him. Holding the gaze, he leans forward, and flicks his tongue out to taste the drop, the tangy flavor bursting over his tongue like the finest elixir, the action causing a shudder to run through Spock's body. Then he opens his mouth and sucks the cock in, relaxing his throat until his lips are buried in the bush of wiry hair. Spock groans and the sound travels through right him, sending a thrill of throbbing want to his groin.

How many times has he imagined this or variations of it? he wonders as his mouth slowly slides up the shaft, leaving it glistening in its wake. As his mouth descends again, his hand cups Spock's balls, rolling and pulling on them and he feels Spock's hand lightly rest on his head like a silent benediction.

He reaches for his own cock, finding the head wet with his excitement and smears it over the crown in a well-practiced move before gripping the shaft and tugging on it, the sensations making his groin pulse in pleasure. He knows he's going to have go easy if he doesn't want this to be over before it's really gotten going.

With a loud slurp Kirk pulls off Spock's shaft and lies down on the pallet, arranging himself to look his most desirable, legs slightly open, hand fisting his cock, another pinching a nipple as he gazes up invitingly through heavy-lidded eyes at the Vulcan, a smile teasing his mouth.

"I'm all yours, Spock," he says, his voice husky with need.

Spock stands, as if immobilized by the vision. "You are beautiful," Spock answers and his eyes sweep the length of Kirk's body as if they can't decide what he wants most to look at, finally coming to rest on the busy hand.

Spock sinks to his knees beside him and runs a hand reverently across Kirk's broad, bare chest, over corrugated abs, down his hip to rest there. "So soft," he says quietly, "unexpectedly so." Kirk takes his hand away from his shaft in invitation and Spock moves to replace it. Feeling the hotter-than-human grip makes Kirk gasp and he pushes up into the tight fist.

"Yes, like that," he hisses through clenched teeth. He knows the instant Spock moves what he's going to do and he braces himself for the sensation as a hot, wet mouth clamps over the crown and he feels Spock tonguing the slit, making him keen. It takes everything in his willpower not to buck up and sensing it, Spock's places his hand back on his hip, holding him in place with a firm pressure.

Kirk's panting, his heart thudding in his chest as he watches the amazing sight of Spock bobbing up and down the length of him, the heat and the suction pulling him towards the brink.

"Fuck, you're amazing, Spock. Not gonna last long - I'm so turned on."

He wants to reciprocate and pulling on Spock leg, encourages him to shift around until he's straddling his head. But Kirk isn't after his cock, pulling the slim hips down until his mouth is level with his ass.

"Shift back," he whispers, gently pulling him back. When Spock complies, he pulls the rounded cheeks apart and sinks his mouth into the crack. Using the flat of his tongue he swipes it over the ring of tight muscle and feels Spock still. Repressing a smile, he presses and licks rhythmically, then points his tongue and flutters it across the tight opening.

"Jim," Spock says, his voice deeper than Kirk's ever heard it.

Kirk drops his head back to the pillow. "I want you to fuck me."

It's the one thing he didn't do with Spock in the other universe. Spock had wanted to feel Jim - or a version of him - inside him again and Kirk had been more than happy to oblige. So he has no idea how it's going to feel having Spock's hot cock buried balls-deep in his ass. But he wants it so much. So now.

Spock climbs off him and stands up.

"Where are you going?" Kirk asks in confusion.

"If you wish me to fuck you, we will require lubrication."

"Oh god, did you really just say that?" Kirk's eyes are wide in surprise and amusement.

Spock raises his eyebrow but doesn't respond as he walks over to a small chest, opening it and rifling around. Kirk takes the opportunity to ogle Spock's ass, watching as the muscles of his back move as he straightens up.

The fact that Spock has lube suddenly hits Kirk. "Did you plan this?" he asks incredulously.

Spock's lips quirk. "I hoped..." he corrects.

He lies down on Kirk so their bodies are aligned and they undulate together, their shafts pressed tightly between them as they kiss deeply as though each is a feast that can assuage the other's hunger. Kirk can't stop touching Spock, his hands in constant motion: fingers carding his hair, kneading his shoulders, drifting down his arms, skimming along the length of his back, clutching his ass, every bump and dip that he feels is seared into Kirk's synapses.

When he can feel the inexorable pull of climax, Kirk stills. "I'm getting close," he pants. "Give me a minute."

Spock sits up straddling Kirk's hips and waits, the Vulcan's erection stretching outward several centimeters above his own. He stares at the cock and then with a smile, glances up to see Spock with high color on his cheeks, lips kiss-swollen, his eyes black with lust. Gently taking one of Spock's hands, he moves it to his mouth to lick and suck the tips of his fingers. Spock gasps and makes to pull away, but Kirk holds the hand tighter. When his tongue darts out to lick the digits again, Spock's nostrils flair as his eyes flutter closed.

"Like that do you?" he asks, the fingertips still in his mouth. He separates the index and middle fingers out and then sucks on them, watching with interest as Spock shudders.

He lets Spock go and the Vulcan immediately begins to run his hands slowly over his chest, pinching and rubbing the nipples, eliciting small whimpers from Kirk as the sensations zing down his spine.

"So sensitive," Spock murmurs.

Lips follow fingers and Kirk bucks upward when Spock begins to suck on the small nubs making each one hard and wet. Kirk lifts his head and manages to swipe his tongue over the tip of the nearest ear - something he's wanted to do since the first day he saw Spock at the hearing.

He's sorry when Spock moves away, starting to work his way down his body with licks and kisses. He feels one of Spock's knees push between his legs and he spreads them wide so the Vulcan can kneel between them. Then Spock is pushing his legs back, knees to his chest and leaning down begins to lick around his hole.

"Spock!" he gasps in appreciation. He's always been particularly sensitive there and the sheer eroticism of Spock touching him so intimately forces him to grab the base of his cock so he doesn't climax before he's ready.

It doesn't get any better when the first slick finger slides inside and he has to shut his eyes on the incredible sight.

"So tight," Spock says quietly. He's gentle and diligent with the preparations, Kirk quietly moaning at the sensations while growing impatient to have all of Spock inside him.

"Fuck, Spock. I'm ready. Please!"

Spock sits back on his haunches and Kirk is treated to the sight of Spock slicking himself up, following the intimate touch of the long, slender fingers sliding the length of the shaft until it glistens.

It's been a while since he did this and Spock seems to sense a need to go slowly as he slides his cock in, bit by bit until he's fully seated. The heat is indescribable - he's never felt anything like it. The stretch is uncomfortable at first, but breathing through it and consciously relaxing both help and within a minute he's ready.

"I'm not made of glass," he says by way of a hint.

Spock tests this by pulling almost all the way out and then pushing in.

"Yes, oh god, yes!" Kirk gasps and snakes his hand out to pull Spock down for a kiss, which is slow and languid, like Spock's rhythm. Spock pulls back and gazes down at Kirk and there's something about the expression on his face - it's soft and almost adoring - and suddenly it's like all the love he's held for Spock for the last few years wells up, and he feels like he can't breathe.

He reaches up and cups the beautiful face, his thumb gently stroking over Spock's lips. "I love you," he says quietly, "more than I can say."

"And I, you," Spock says and dips his head to take Kirk's mouth in a searing, twisting kiss. With the words, the passion flares as Spock's hips begin to piston and Kirk arches up into each thrust.

He knows he won't last long as Spock uses his incredible strength and agility to balance on one hand while taking Kirk's cock in the other, milking in time with each plunge until he's sweating and gasping and begging Spock to finish him off. He feels ready to burst, every nerve on edge and hyper-sensitive as he gazes up and sees Spock's face as he never has, filled with desire and need. When it comes, his orgasm crashes over him without warning, sweeping him up and carrying him over the edge in an explosion of sensation that has him crying out at the intensity of it, shooting ropes of come as far as his chin. Spock is still pounding and reaches out to his face, hesitating, waiting for permission.

"Yes, do it," Kirk whispers and suddenly he feels Spock inside his head, like he belongs there, and the urgency which had just left him is suddenly back as he feels everything Spock does. He can also sense Spock's feelings - which were not present in the previous meld they'd shared - and unlike the Spock in the other universe, whose emotions were completely wrapped up in a grief so great it brought Kirk to tears, he gets a sense of affection and protectiveness. It's not hard for him to be aware of Spock's lust, which is close to the surface, and there's a building pressure as he feels Spock focus on the tightness of his ass. Kirk projects the sensations he felt just as he was about to come, not only the physical, but the mental and emotional, too, and suddenly Spock stills and Kirk watches his face, meets his gaze as he feels a second orgasm that's purely in his head. The feeling is indescribable and he grins up at Spock as he rides the pulsing shockwaves with him.

"Fuck!"

Spock lifts an eyebrow. "My sentiments, precisely," he agrees and Kirk laughs.

Later, they lie together, Spock's head resting on his shoulder as Kirk runs his fingers through the silky strands of his Vulcan's hair.

"Has it occurred to you, Jim, that you might not have returned to your own universe?"

Kirk frowns. "What do you mean? _This_ is my universe."

"How can you be so certain? Since we do not understand all the dynamics, inter-dimensional travel is not an exact science. It is entirely possible that in your real universe, your Spock did not wait for you, but remained with Uhura, and you never reappeared, coming to this universe, instead."

"Huh." It's an intriguing thought.

He kisses the top of Spock's head. "What do you think?"

"I think you are where you belong."

The not entirely logical answer makes Kirk smile. Refractory period over, he shifts position so he can kiss Spock and gets an enthusiastic response.

Yeah, he thinks. I so am.

+

In the event, the _Enterprise_ gets to them in only seven days and Scotty confirms Kirk's suspicion that he can't get back to engineering fast enough. An impromptu party is held to welcome their captain back and at it, Kirk constantly scans the room to see the whereabouts of Spock. It takes him a while to realize he's always done that - that in some sense, everything's the same other than what they are to each other. 

Finally, Kirk is allowed to leave and when he glances around, Spock is no-where to be found. In his cabin, Rand's put fresh sheets on his bed and nothing's really changed, except it has and with that thought, Spock steps into his cabin by way of their connected bathroom. They step together and kiss for the first time as Captain and First Officer.

"Stay," Kirk says when they break apart.

"Always."

\----

[Epilogue]

Kirk and Spock make their way to the arrivals hall at the New Vulcan space port and even though they've only just stepped off the shuttle, Kirk is already sweating in the hot air of the terminal. It's been like this every visit - though he knows their destination, at least will be cooler. The problem is compounded by the thin air and the heavier-than-Earth gravity - everything being more of an effort with less oxygen to feed his quickly-tiring muscles - which usually takes him a day or two to acclimate to.

As they enter the great hall carrying their luggage, they're greeted by a young male Vulcan wearing a pale gray tunic that reaches the floor and pulled in at the waist with a large cummerbund, beneath a slate gray robe with wide silver piping down the front. He looks solemnly at them, holding his hand up in the ta'al.

"Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, welcome to Ka'areish'Kahr. If you will follow me."

Spock raises his hand. "Greetings S'Rakaish." Kirk smiles but doesn't try do mimic the ta'al as he still hasn't managed to master it even after being bonded to Spock for five years. This is the first time he's met the Vulcan ambassador's new aide, who's looking disgustingly cool and collected, compared to his over-heated, sweaty self.

The aircar journey is thankfully brief since the conurbation is tiny compared to the majestic cities - each of which were home to millions - that existed on Vulcan before its destruction. As Kirk takes in the view, he can see all the new developments, with not one of the initial prefabricated buildings now left standing. Everything looks so much more...permanent.

They descend, landing in front of a large house which Spock once told him was modeled on the house he had grown up in, in Shi'Kahr. It's an imposing property built from the pale pinkish stone local to the area.

Stepping out of the aircar into the heat of the early afternoon sun, Kirk wipes his forehead and goes to grab his case but is beaten to it.

"Allow me, t'hy'la," Spock says mildly. He knows Kirk hates, but silently suffers, the relentless heat.

"I can manage," he insists with a smile at his sometimes over-protective bondmate. "I'm not that fragile."

"For which I am thankful," Spock murmurs and Kirk laughs out loud, recalling their enthusiastic coupling the previous night in their well-appointed star-liner cabin, and the bruises he woke up to that morning.

Spock knows better than to argue, leaving Kirk to lug his baggage up the steps to the main door that opens as they reach it.

"Sarek," Kirk says between pants of exertion, ignoring the drop of sweat making its way from his temple down his cheek.

"Greetings, James, Spock."

"Father," Spock says behind him.

"Is that them?" comes an excited voice from behind Sarek and Kirk can hear the sound of dainty footsteps.

"Spock! Jim!"

"Amanda," Kirk smiles warmly at his mother-in-law. "You're looking well."

[finis]


End file.
